The Turning (2020) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Pretentious filmmakers spew visual vomit that will waste 90 minutes of your life that you will never get back.

Review: There is shit, fucking shit, absolute fucking shit, and then there is "The Turning." I can say, without question, this is the worst movie I have ever watched theatrically. Thank god the AMC pass is mitigating the cost here or else I'd be ready to murder. I would have walked out had I known the movie would suddenly drop out right when a third act should have kicked in. "The Turning" is feasibly, like, half a film. What the hell happened?! This is like someone saw Chekhov's gun as a challenge of how many nonsensical plot tangents they could include that amount to nothing. We are beyond good and evil here...this is painting the Creation of Adam on the ceiling of your padded cell using only shit.

A nanny goes to stay at some haunted house with weird kids, a creepy maid or whatever, and seemingly ghosts. The filmmakers will then bombard you with a series of unconnected plot points that mean squat. We've got horses and one that won't obey anyone but the boy, a weird mannequin, paintings of the past, setting the film in the '90s, a crazy mom, dead parents, creepy objects all over the house, swans, spiders, and it goes on and on and on and on. If I had the stomach to re-watch this disgrace to cinema, I would love to count off how many times the camera focuses on something that never connects to the plot whatsoever. In fact, what fucking is the plot even? Scary shit is supposed to happen, RIGHT? Wrong. After dragging on endlessly--putting up with these stupid winks at the audience as if it means anything--we finally get an extremely lackluster ghost story that wraps up in about two minutes. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

So you thought this would be the end? Oh, no, no, no...everything we just saw wasn't real. The main chick is just imagining everything. Nothing is real...or is it? The main chick then wakes up in a bed and sees her mom's face--which we don't get to see--and screams horribly. THE END! Dear lord, help me. You can just feel that "what does it mean" pretentiousness coming through the screen. Truly painful. Just when the film is setting up the big reveal--that final payoff--we are supposed to get answers, but, instead, we are cheated out of a last act and treated to the most abrupt and random credit roll I may have ever seen. Rarely have I felt this cheated by a movie, and I've gone over some of the dumbest fucking shit known to cinema (just check some of my reviews).

My best guess--and this is already more effort than this movie deserves--is that it's all in the mom's head. Her paintings semi-correspond to the story unfolding, and she paints in an old pool which could connect to the whole drowning motif depicted. The mom paints Kate's portrait and envisions her doing the things we see. This could also explain why the film is set in the '90s as that may have been the last time the mom had a grasp on reality; time has stood still to her. As such, I believe Kate is how she sees herself--and maybe that was how she looked when young--which is why Kate screams when she sees the mom's face at the end; it's her coming to terms with the fact that they're the same person. If you follow this perspective I think we can almost fill in all the missing holes if we go super pretentious to match the filmmakers.

I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT waste your time or money on this travesty. You will be very angry by the time those credits slam into your face out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, I've covered worse movies, but you can't equally compare something like "Severed" or "Sleepaway Camp IV" to something with a real budget. "The Turning" has no excuse to be this bad, and do not even blame it on the source material; this is closer to the crackhead version of the original story. And now that this review is over, let us never dwell on this trash ever again.

Notable Moment: When the credits roll. I'm not trying to make a joke here--the suddenness of the film ending was probably the biggest twist you could imagine. Besides, third acts of a story are for pussies!

Final Rating: 3/10

The Boy (2016) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A nanny believes she will be taking care of a young child only to discover the parents treat a weird doll as if it is alive.

Review: Wowwee, this was laughably bad. Between all the eye-rolling, I was almost crying at one point from all the laughing. This is essentially a haunted doll movie where you find out the doll isn't actually haunted. Scary. While the reveal as to what's really happening in the story was presented well enough, that doesn't make things any less ludicrous. It's not even the atmosphere or scares that lack, it's just how stupid the flow of events are. I kept saying if the main chick's ex-boyfriend shows up I'm taking a full point off the rating, and guess who showed up? Goodness gracious.

So what the hell is happening in this shit? Greta is hired as some nanny for old geezers living in a giant mansion in the middle of nowhere. Greta believes she is supposed to take care of a kid named Brahms, but, instead, the son died and the parents have been treating some doll like the boy for decades. There are a ton of rules they want Greta to follow that easily hints at the twist to come. Probably the most egregious factor is that all the best scares--ones that would imply the doll is haunted--are all dreams. This seems to be a deliberate and cheap attempt to convince the audience that the doll is supernatural that way you will be more likely to be impressed by the last reveal. For me, this had the inverse reaction and was annoying; your best scenes shouldn't be dream sequences unless this is "Inception."

There is a point around the halfway mark where it felt like the filmmakers were running out of ideas. For one, when Greta is supposed to go on that date and her loverboy doesn't come into the house to find her, yet, every other instance with this character involves him entering on his own and often times for weak jumps scares. Painfully bad writing. Likewise, the film meanders about trying to make things seem creepy when it starts to get weird and sane people would just bail. Then, of course, once Greta's ex-boyfriend shows up I had become dizzy from all the eye-rolling. This guy followed her to a different country, found a house in the middle of nowhere, broke in, and started playing pool until she noticed him. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight! This fucking movie. And all this so the movie can have one kill in it! Eventually we realize the ridiculous truth that Brahms never died as a boy, and the parents do this shit with the doll because...wait, why? And did they build the mansion to have hollow walls before or after faking Brahms' death? And why did they fake his death...to cover up him killing that little girl? Did he even kill her? And the police were cool with never finding Brahms' body? What the fuck is this movie even about again?!

Needless to say, "The Boy" is a horrendous mess. I don't know where these high ratings are coming from, because this plain sucked. While the general premise held potential, the twist is hardly a payoff when it creates endless questions and makes little sense. The main characters make overly stupid decisions that go above and beyond the norm for horror, and that's not counting the many contrivances. The fake out dreams are merely the icing on the idiocy cake that were created only for the trailer's sake. Obviously others are enjoying this trash, but I do not see many merits to discuss. "The Boy" is competently made, but is a huge letdown and boggled down by numerous brain-dead decisions.

Notable Moment: When Greta stabs Brahms and is thrown across the room in slow motion. Dear lord, I was nearly brought to tears from all the laughing at this moronic scene. Rewinding it like 5 times didn't help either.

Final Rating: 4/10

Underwater (2020) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A mining crew working at the bottom of the Mariana Trench must contend with sea monsters as they escape to the surface.

Review: To put a few things into perspective: "Underwater" has bombed--hard--setting up all kinds of puns based on the title. A HUGE reason for this failure is using Kristen Stewart in what little marketing there was. Nobody wants to see her looking like a more manly version of Justin Bieber at the bottom of the ocean. I think what could have helped a little would have been to showcase more of Jessica Henwick in the marketing instead; she's more talented, beautiful, and audiences have noticed her popping up in all the big geek franchises like Star Wars, Game of Thrones, and the Marvel Netflix shows. Alas, we get Bieber instead. With that said, "Underwater" is a pretty damn good creature feature. Oh, sure, it feels like a ton of other things like "Leviathan," for example, which was already a derivative of "Alien." Yet, these similarities don't really matter since the tale of "Underwater" is entertaining and presented well. Ms. Stewart is surprisingly decent in this role, and the story offers up some fun set pieces.

First I want to acknowledge that so many plot synopses for this film list it as being about "a research crew." Okay, maybe some of the characters are researchers, but it's critical to the plot that this is a MINING operation. The premise is that something has been awakened by this mining, and that whole reactor powering everything is like a big ass plot point you can't ignore. Oh well. Moving along...the setup is pretty cool with most of the crew getting killed immediately by the immense ocean pressure after their base is compromised. The only way the few survivors can get out alive is to actually walk along the ocean floor to a different part of the base that is miles away. As you come to realize, the breaches to the base were caused by glorified sea monsters. You could say they're mermaid-esque but you can feel that xenomorph inspiration. Of course, the characters get picked off as they navigate the dark ocean floor while contending with obstacles and these creatures. I'll admit that the filmmakers do a good job with the pacing and the kills since you can't really tell when someone will bite the dust. I mean, when the one guy blows up from the pressure caught me off guard. After much struggle, the remaining characters come face to face with what can only be described as Cthulhu! Again, you knew there would be a giant monster of some sort, but the way they integrate the human-sized monsters with this big guy was interesting. The ending is typical Hollywood bullshit, yet, I'm glad my girl Ms. Henwick made it out alive.

What works here is the environment presented. It's dark, the characters can die to virtually anything, and they're facing overwhelming forces. This isn't original by any means, but the filmmakers capitalize on their setup and introduce many situations and obstacles that test the characters; hell, if the filmmakers can get me to care about Ms. Stewart's character after enduring her "acting" in "Twilight" then I have to show respect. Furthermore, the monsters are nothing special, but them being almost like fleas or minions or whatever to Cthulhu was a nice idea. Finally, I need to reiterate that Ms. Henwick was a major highlight and should have been cast as the lead.

As for the faults...one word: contrived. Most audiences will ignore these things, but I was getting slightly annoyed numerous times. Back to that reactor plot device...this is supposedly making the water warm enough that they can walk for miles without freezing? Maybe the suits had futuristic insulation. I'm okay with the monsters being super strong despite the crushing depth, however, I'm not okay with one coming into a climate controlled tunnel and being perfectly fine. How is it able to just shift between the pressure without dying? How is it breathing? This moment made me want to throw my popcorn. Yeah, it works as a cool scare with the flashing red light and the creature walking into it, but how is it even walking in the first place? Then there is the idea that Cthulhu is swimming around destroying everything, but is simply sitting by the last base until the main characters show up? Well that's awfully convenient. There are plenty more, like what food supply could possibly be sustaining these creatures, but I think you get the gist of the contrivances.

Despite the flaws, "Underwater" is a fun and entertaining movie that hits the right beats that you'd want from a creature feature; there are surprises, elaborate set pieces, and you get that big payoff by the end. Enhancing things are decent enough characters performed well by the players. The pacing is on point, and the music was solid too. The only real detriments are in regard to many ideas and situations feeling contrived, however, the average audience probably won't care about most of these details. While it's a shame that "Underwater" failed so spectacularly at the box office, it should make for great rental material without a doubt.

Notable Moment: When that Cthulhu monster appears. Fantastic introduction even if nonsensical that it would just be standing there doing nothing until the main characters approach.

Final Rating: 6.5/10

Triple Feature: Hitokowa 1-3 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A Japanese anthology series that focuses on potentially realistic weirdos, creeps, and killers.

Review: I don't really know the background on this series--whether these were made-for-TV specials or what. Likewise, the title's meaning is unclear as well; some have said it's meaning is "people are creepy" or scary while I think the subtitles suggested to "fear the people." Anyone have inside information for clarity? Regardless, this theme about people being scary is certainly present in all the segments. Each movie is roughly an hour long and contains 5 stories of varying length and quality. While these shorts aren't going to knock your socks off, they're surprisingly entertaining. I often focus on supernatural things unnerving me, but obviously these were made for those more chilled by real life wackos. In this respect, "Hitokowa" nails it. Finally, I want to acknowledge I went by the subtitles and translations presented by Amazon. These may or may not be the most accurate so bear with me. Okay, now let's take a look at what these stories have to offer, shall we?

Hitokowa 1: Evil Comes Home

A Friend's Secret: Two girls are hanging out reluctantly after the one has broken up with her boyfriend, and the other has sorta invited herself over unexpectedly. At first they're awkward, but, throughout the night, the two loosen up and have fun. All seems okay until you realize the one girl discovered her boyfriend was cheating on her and chopped the guy up in her bathroom. We then come to realize the girl he cheated with was the friend that came over. Uh oh. After seemingly stopping for snacks, the one girl comes home, locks the door, and is ready to test out some new knives she just bought! The moral of the story is DO NOT cheat on Japanese girls.

Wrong Number: In this next tale, friends are on some kind of group date or whatever. The one girl awkwardly exchanges numbers with the guy she likes, but it's more of an email or something? I'm not entirely sure if this is some kind of plot contrivance or something that happens in Japan. Anyway, as the title would imply, the girl doesn't get the email/number exact and inadvertently contacts a psychopath that begins to stalk her home after she tries to set up a date. Arriving home safe and sound, the girl takes a bath and realizes she missed a call. When she calls her friend back they discuss her brother answering while she was in the bathtub. Not having any siblings we get a cool shot of the camera slightly rotating with a shadowy figure rising in the background with the camera spin. Our lead is then sliced and diced. This was mostly predictable, but I enjoyed the way the material was handled nonetheless.

Raised by Wolves: This is the shortest entry out of the movies and probably the worst as well. It feels like they shoehorned it in to get five stories without messing with the running time. All that really happens is some girl is almost hit by a bottle from the apartment above her. There are two bratty kids who find it funny that they almost hurt her. Later, when with a friend, the two remark that the parents are responsible for the kids' bad behavior, hence the title. Then the friend is killed by a dropped plant pot except this time it was the parents doing it. Eh, there could have been more to this tale that's for sure.

What Happens When You Google Yourself: This was one of the better stories for sure; it goes in a direction you wouldn't anticipate which is always welcome. Three girls are discussing the strange results that can appear when searching your own name on Google. Later on, the main girl decides she will finally check things out only to discover videos of some guy feverishly masturbating while, apparently, wearing her underwear. Calling up her friend to discuss how gross this is, the main girl notices that the guy uploaded these videos from her house. Angered by the girl saying he was disgusting, the guy comes out of her closest, where he was hiding, and ready to do god knows what to our poor girl. The crazy part is that this phenomenon of people hiding in someone else's house has happened before and in Japan no less. For me, the scariest part was this guy's pancake tits flopping around. What was that?!

Phone Call from the Other Side: Okay, so this series has like one rule--actual, living scary people--and they already break that rule in this tale. Sorta. Some business guy is at a cafe or something when an old high school friend spots him. The two discuss staying in touch but the other guy says he doesn't use any kind of phone due to a bizarre experience that he regales us with. Bothered by a phone constantly ringing in a park nearby, the guy answers it but is led on a strange trip by the caller. As it turns out, the caller is a ghost, and the main guy has the ability to talk to ghosts through the phone. In turn, other ghosts decide they want to pester the man until he helps them. Finally, this tale does come back to being about a real killer as the guy gets a call at the cafe. This time the caller is the businessman's ex-fiance that he killed. I should probably mention the tone of this segment is somewhat lighthearted so they weren't really trying to creep the audience out this time around.

Hitokowa 2: Deadly Hauntings

Pet Monitor: Kicking off the second movie isn't the best of tales. A cute yet timid office girl is afraid to discipline one of her workers. This worker simply watches her dog on her laptop all day while screwing up whatever work she manages to do. There is something with the main girl having an affair with her boss who, in turn, also seemingly had an affair with the lazy worker lady. After getting yelled at himself, the boss finally works up the balls to yell at the bum himself. The next day the boss doesn't show up for work, and, through shenanigans, the main chick notices the boss' severed hand in the cage with the dog that is being watched. And that's really it. I mean, you knew something like this was going to happen, but it could have had better shock value or something.

Snake and First Love: This was probably the second shortest story and the second worst as well. Some kid is pranked by his friends with a fake snake, scaring him. The kids then appear to play Pokemon or something on their Nintendo DS until the friends leave. Being teased about his crush earlier, the main kid tries to scare the girl he likes, however, she backs up into the street to avoid the fake snake and is hit by a car. When the cops try to figure out what happened, the kid, I guess, embraces the dark side and hides the truth. The end? Uh, okay. Not sure what was the point, and things don't really fit the tone since the kid wasn't intentionally trying to kill the girl.

A Couple's Promise: After the first tales were a bit lackluster, we come to the best story in the series. This is how you do subversion of expectations correctly (looking at you, Rian Johnson). A business guy keeps checking the picture of his pregnant wife before submitting to the temptation of ordering an escort or however things work with Japan's sex industry. I don't know the name of the actress, but, the girl that shows up, Akemi, is really cute and sexy. She warns the business guy that she has burn scars on her body, and most men reject her outright; in fact, she's pretty much untouched and about to get fired. The business guy says he doesn't care--does a lot of lying in fact--and bangs our dear Akemi. Akemi becomes smitten with the guy since we learn she has been sheltered from men, and the burns are from her mom trying to make Akemi ugly to men. Furthermore, Akemi has added herself to the business guy's phone. The next night, or some time later, the business guy orders a new escort and explicitly says not to send Akemi and that she's gross. Big surprise, guess who shows up at the guy's door? That's right, it's our sexy girl herself. Now, you probably think this is a tale about a cheating husband getting his comeuppance, but that's where you'd be very wrong! So Akemi breaks into the guy's room and reveals that she has cut off her fingertips psychotically. Once Akemi mentions she has even visited the business guy's house, he suddenly snaps and beats our girl to death. Womp womp. Going back home, it is revealed that the businessman is the true killer, having killed his pregnant wife who he said was a cheater. What works so well with this story is how the filmmakers go out of their way to create a typical setup with how crazy Akemi is; at the same time, the businessman just seems ripe to get his just deserts. You don't really see it coming that he has already killed his wife and even talks casually to her rotting corpse.

Akemi...wish I could tell you her real name.

Don't Leave Your Bicycle Here: A bratty girl incites the anger of a random psycho is the best way to describe this one. Since bikes are a big dealio in Japan, the main girl doesn't want to pay to park it so she leaves it in a neighborhood, catching the ire of a crazy guy. At first the girl receives notes saying to stop it, but then things escalate with the guy putting razors on the breaks. At the same time, the girl leaves bottles all over the place and Japan also hates littering big time. Finally, the crazy guy follows her path home and throws her bike at her from a rooftop, killing her, and dropping all the bottles she's left all over on top of her body. He then uploads this to the internet and we see a random user not even impressed by this murder. Hmm. Tough audience. Eh, this is an okay tale for what it is, and you're left wondering what direction they will take the material.

Common Interests: This is probably the second best story overall which makes this second "Hitokowa" movie the highlight of the trio. To close things out we have a group of friends trying to tell ghost stories and scare each other; there are four friends and they're couples so it's two girlfriends and two boyfriends. The main chick looks a lot like a singer from Morning Musume named Kaede Kaga so I'm going to refer to her as such. The other boyfriend tries to show off a ghost photo, but Kaede becomes annoyed that he was taking pictures of her and her boyfriend. As a consequence, Kaede steals the memory card for the other boyfriend's camera. Once the party ends and everyone leaves, Kaede decides to check out these photos the guy took. By the way, I kind of like the chemistry between the couples--things feel genuine to a degree. Anyway, Kaede watches a video file that shows a girl being beaten and decapitated by a masked man. Slowing down the footage, Kaede realizes that the masked guy is the boyfriend that owns the camera, and it's his own snuff video. Appearing behind Kaede, and seemingly breaking into the apartment, that other boyfriend tries to reassure Kaede that it's just a joke. Not buying it, Kaede's boyfriend comes back after missing his train just in time to help...or so it would seem. Once Kaede's boyfriend realizes she saw the video they decide they will do to her what they did to the girl on the video. Then we see the full video which showed the two boyfriends were both there killing two different girls respectively. The moral of this story is that you can never really know for sure if your significant other likes to chop up bodies in their spare time!

Hitokowa girl (L), Kaede Kaga (R)

Try and tell me these two couldn't be sisters.

Hitokowa 3: The Killing Hour

Lost Property: To begin the third movie we have two schoolgirls trying to figure out how to make some money. While walking home, the main girl finds a wallet full of money and thinks she hit the jackpot. Unfortunately, the wallet belongs to the local serial killer as the contents also include bloody fingernails and photos of the victims. The girl thinks she's being pursued by some guy, however, he's just another concerned citizen that doesn't like bikes parked where they shouldn't be! Only in Japan. The girl finally comes across a police officer to report the wallet, but, in actuality, the wallet belongs to the policeman. Gotcha, bitch! Although it's broad daylight and out in the open, the killer cop somehow adds the schoolgirl to his collection of photos. Sometime later we see the other schoolgirl from earlier coming across the wallet in the same location, implying the killer uses it as a lure. Eh, this was okay for what it is. I mean, revealing your identity as the killer is pretty damn stupid, but I don't think we are meant to ponder too deeply about the logistics of the killer's M.O.

Can't Be Seen: Now this is another good example of pulling a fast one on the audience with subtlety. A girl is creeped out by a pale old woman that lurks outside of her apartment building. The old woman simply stands and stares, however, the girl notices a marking on one of the electric poles. This marking appears to be some kind of curse. With each passing day, the girl is followed and glared at by the old lady while more markings appear on the same pole. Eventually, the old woman confronts the main girl by following her up to her apartment. It's here that we get the switcheroo that makes more sense upon a second viewing. The old woman was actually putting up missing posters for her cat that were being ripped down by the main girl. The main girl was actually the one putting up the cursed markings; the main girl hopes to kill her roommate with the curse. The main girl then kills the old woman, and we realize she is simply biding her time until the roommate will die. The editing in this particular segment is brilliant. We see the events depicted as if they're the reverse, but when you re-watch you'll notice the cat posters and the main chick's disdain for the roommate and annoyance with the old lady making her have to put up more markings. It's great.

Forever Together: This entry disappointed me since it has an interesting buildup, but doesn't really go anywhere with the plot line. A girl breaks up with her boyfriend, and, at first, he appears to deal with things fine enough. Sometime later, the boyfriend sneaks into the girl's house and tries to act like things are perfectly normal between the two. Trying to cook dinner, the guy is kicked out of the girl's house but not before stabbing himself in the hand. Changing her locks, the girl once more comes home to the realization that the boyfriend has broken in. This time around he has hanged himself, yet, magically, he isn't dead from this. The fan he was hanging from snaps and he crawls toward the frightened girl only to die for real this time...seemingly. We cut further in time again, and the girl's sister is getting married. Surprise, it's the boyfriend alive somehow as we see the scar on his hand from the knife wound. And that's basically it. The girl does think he looks like her boyfriend yet shrugs it off. There's no real payoff here.

A Girl in Red: So this is Japan's take on a Western urban legend which is kinda cool. Some business lady is driving wherever when she sees a little girl in the middle of the road. For whatever reason, the business girl gets out of her car to see what's up with this little girl. After the little girl runs away, the business lady stops for gas where she is treated rudely by the guy at the gas station. When she tries to pay, the gas station attendant says the money is counterfeit and appears to attack the lady. But, surprise, he was trying to warn the lady that "SOMEONE'S IN THE BACKSEAT!" As it turns out, the little girl serves as a distraction to let the killer slip into unsuspecting motorists' cars. The story ends with both the business lady and gas station attendant getting killed. Yeah, we've all heard this tale before, but it fascinates me that an urban legend like this can spread all the way to Japan.

Diet: I'd love to say things close out strongly for this trilogy, however, this story wasn't doing it for me. In fact, this is kind of another standout entry in that it tries to gross you out rather than scare. Two friends are having lunch together when the one girl mentions she has a date coming up. The other friend jokes that she should go easy on the food then in order to stay thin. Look, these chicks are both in my twig classification so they both should keep eating! I'll take some curves from that Akemi babe! Anyway, the one girl begins to diet--as the title suggests--and things spiral out of control. At first she's eating almost nothing which transitions into not eating at all. Worried about her ailing friend, the other chick tries to get diet-girl to eat something. Long story short, we get some dream sequence filler, but the payoff comes when diet-girl makes "food" that won't give you extra calories. Can you guess what it is? Did you guess it was puked up noodles? Yummy. And that's essentially all there is to this tale. I think this entry should have switched with the first story to give this movie a better sense of pacing.

All things considered, these are some fun little tales. They're short, they're sweet, and even the worst entries still offer entertainment value. These movies are low-budget--which includes a whole host of inherent problems--so you need to cut them a degree of slack in that regard, but the filmmakers are able to accomplish quite a bit in spite of this. Most importantly, these are scary stories that completely ignore long-haired ghost women and other supernatural forces; it's certainly a welcome change of pace. If you're interested in any or all segments listed here then be sure to seek these movies out. I think you will be pleasantly surprised and impressed with the quality and variety of stories.

Notable Moment: I think the single best moment is during the "Wrong Number" segment. At the end, the way the camera pivots in coordination with the shadowy killer emerging is plain slick.

Final Rating: Part 1 (6/10)
                      Part 2 (6.5/10)
                      Part 3 (5.5/10)
                      Overall (6/10)

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: How to destroy the most successful film franchise in only five years: A Star Wars Story.

Review: At long last, Disney's failure is complete. Let's face it, this entire trilogy was an overly expensive fanfic that shits all over the lore, characters, and story of the previous, and SUPERIOR, films. As someone once poetically asked about this trilogy: what is this even about? Honestly, I don't know, but, worse, I don't care. "The Rise of Skywalker" is a plot hole-ridden hellscape of moronic ideas, centered on a Mary Sue lead more Mary Sue-ish than the actual Mary Sue! And what is this bullshit I keep hearing about "heavy on the fanservice?" What fan service? I sure as hell didn't get anything I wanted out of any of these movies. All I wanted was to see Luke as a Jedi Master, training new Jedi, and the original crew recognized as the heroes of the galaxy that they were. Instead, the original cast NEVER share a scene all together, they invent force powers on the go that contradicts the entire mythos, and all they do is end the story back where "Return of the Jedi" already put us! The incompetence of Disney, Bob Iger, and Kathleen Kennedy truly knows no bound. The more these idiots tighten their grip on Star Wars the more fans will slip through their fingers.

So what the hell is even happening this time around? The Emperor has come back from the dead without any explanation and now has star destroyers with the power of a Death Star attached. Yeah, start rolling your eyes now, because you will be doing a lot of that. For some reason Kylo Ren wants to team up with Rey and the two will kill the Emperor together. If there was any audience pandering it wasn't to fans of the original trilogy, it was to wannabes who want this Reylo shit to happen which they get. The rebels or resistance or whatever the fuck need some device to find the Emperor and stop him. Along the way predictable shenanigans occur that further muck the lore. Even the new characters are altered like Poe is now a Han Solo type despite simply always being an ace pilot. Finn has been permanently turned into a bitch boy that half his dialogue is screaming, "REY!!!" Anyway, we come to find out Rey is the Emperor's granddaughter and he wants her to take his place or to simply kill her. Along the way Rey turns Kylo back to the light side quite easily. When they have a big final battle I can just picture a little kid telling it to Disney and Jar Jar Abrams:

      And then, and then, and then...they ride the horsies on top of the ship to take out the bad guys who have a million ships but then the whole universe shows up to help. But then, and then, the Emperor says, "I AM ALL SITH," and he shoots the lightning across the planet and then Rey pulls out TWO lightsabers and says, "I AM ALL JEDI," and then she shootses the lasers--lightning--back at him and he goes boom and all the bad guys die. But then Rey, you think she's dead, but then Kylo comes back out of nowhere and he is like Trachcan Man from "The Stand" and says "MY LIFE FOR YOU!" and then she comes back. Then Kylo dies all tragically but they all celebrate and then Rey steals Luke's house on Tatooine. Some lady says who are you and then ghosts say izz okay to steal the name so she says "I'm Rey, Rey Skywalker" like James Bond and then the credits roll and everyone cheers! WEEEEEEE!!! Oh and she pulls a new, yellow lightsaber out of her butt. Teehee.

No, I didn't make any of that up; it's true, all of it. The movie introduces force healing which makes you wonder why they couldn't use it before on Shmi Skywalker, Qui-Gon, maybe even fucking Darth Vader?! We have force teleportation which lets you give someone a lightsaber through the force or hell just stealing a necklace from the other side of the galaxy. Of course I can't ignore bringing back the dead with Kylo Ren. Umm, isn't this the very power that was meant to tempt Anakin to the dark side yet these idiots can pull it out of their arse?! It's as if Disney wanted to make sure these characters out Mary Sued even Starkiller from "The Force Unleashed," who was already a character too powerful, but at least he spent his entire life training in the most brutal conditions. Rey never earned anything in this series and is more powerful than everyone without training. Saying she's the Emperor's granddaughter means nothing when the lore showed Palpatine training his whole life too. More so, her character is beloved by everyone she meets even when they don't know her whatsoever. She undoes everything the previous six films presented without any effort and steals the Skywalker name, their lightsabers, and Luke's goddamn house even! This entire trilogy is nothing but a disrespectful bad dream that any sane writer would have salvaged by simply saying it was all a terrible force vision by Luke after "Return of the Jedi." Something like the damn Knights of Ren, that were hyped up for 3 movies, simply run around doing nothing until they are all killed within seconds. If Disney can't even make their new shit work, how can you trust them to handle the original lore?!

What else can I really say that hasn't been said already? The movie is a trainwreck, no one is buying the toys, and Star Wars is ruined, left in a putrid state beyond recognition. As many have pointed out, there are more bad Star Wars movies than good which is just plain sad. As a kid, I would never have believed this could happen, but the trend in the entertainment industry right now is to openly destroy what was once beloved and belittle the original fans along the way. We see this trend over and over again with no foreseeable sign of stopping despite these terrible sequels/prequels/remakes/reboots continuing to fail. The only positive I can say is that as these franchises tank, and the writing quality plummets, it creates an opening and a need for people like you and me to step up and write things entertaining and give audiences the stories they want.

Notable Moment: Uh, stupidest scene is hard to pick...maybe the horses on the star destroyer sums up the idiocy the best. Not only is it a retarded concept, but we see the ship sinking after destroying the bridge and everyone sliding off...sooo...why didn't the First Order shake them off in the first place?!

Final Rating: 5/10 (objectively) 1/10 (personally)

The Grudge (2020) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The remake...of a remake...of a remake. What could possibly go wrong?

Review: Maybe it's not fair to call this a remake? It's more of a "soft reboot" which is merely Hollywood bullshit-speak for remake. And, well, this is about as horrifically bad as you'd expect. Goodness gracious, how many times are we going to tell this tale?! Let's put some things in perspective shall we? "Ju-on: The Curse" was an incredible, made-for-TV horror tale. This was followed up by a theatrical remake, "Ju-on: The Grudge," that actually upped the quality in every regard. Then we come to the American remake, simply titled "The Grudge," that was almost on par with the original. So that's 3 versions as it is. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Japan decided they wanted to destroy the franchise so they also did a reboot with "Ju-on: The Beginning of the End." Finally, we come to this waste of time also titled "The Grudge." So we are at--count 'em--FIVE times this story has been told! Listen to Michael Jordan and, please, stop it, get some help!

As this movie began I actually had hope for a few fleeting minutes. Surprisingly, there is an attempt to make this a legitimate sequel to the American remake by showing a woman at the Saeki house, mentioning Yoko, and an appearance by Kayako. When they showed this, and the film flashing dates, I thought maybe--maybe--the filmmakers were about to bring everything full circle somehow, revealing something we never knew from the start perhaps. Maybe we would come to find out more about Kayako's motives or something. In fact, this movie even tries to simplify some of the issues of the franchise whereby explaining that the curse makes it so that everyone who enters the house across all time, past, present, and future, are all connected. The movie doesn't utilize this plot point whatsoever, but at least there was an attempt. Again, this led me to believe the events of this movie would somehow tie everything together. Nope.

So what do we actually get? We get a beat for beat retelling of the events we already know except tweaked in the weakest of ways. Instead of a husband killing his wife and drowning his son we have a wife killing her husband and drowning her daughter. What a change. Instead of a woman in the shower and the hand coming out the hair, it's a guy. Instead of a male detective it's a female one. Which, by the way, what the fuck happened to Andrea Riseborough? She was a super hottie in "Oblivion" and now she's playing her own grandma it would seem. Anyway, you get the gist of it; the changes are superficial and meaningless when we are seeing the same events reenacted. We never see Kayako again outside of crime scene photos so that's just fantastic. Oh, sure, there are a couple changes like some lady trying to assist in a suicide or the realtor being more pivotal to the plot but big whoop. The ending is significantly dumber so the filmmakers can take credit for that accomplishment at least, right?

What really annoys me about this version is using stupid CGI ghosts. Takako Fuji as Kayako, with practical makeup, looks intimidating. These goofy CGI ghosts running at the screen are painful to the eyes. More to the point, when you've told this tale this many times, the scares have lost all effect. What I don't get is why no one capitalizes on "Ju-on: The Grudge 2?" Why the insistence to retell the events of the first movie endlessly? I have no idea what anyone involved with this disaster was thinking, but this was a complete waste and bland as hell even if you've never watched any other entries from this series. If you're a fan of the franchise then I suppose you can attempt to endure the idiocy one more time, however, if you have already watched any number of the previous FOUR versions of this movie then you can stay far, far away.

Notable Moment: That little tease at the beginning with Kayako and the original house. Oh man, if only they kept these kind of ideas going throughout.

Final Rating: 4/10