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Tuesday, October 27, 2020

Ramblings of Ryan Volume 10: Nemesis

    For years now I've been reviewing every horror movie that had a Halloween-centric plot; I even covered a bunch of kids movies. Well, I have finally scraped the bottom of barrel so hard that I've come out the other end. Yeah, there is still trash out there with ratings on IMDB already below a 3/10, but I don't know if I have the willpower left to review that level of shit. Besides, is there anyone else who has so thoroughly reviewed the movies around this holiday? I am tempted to give it its own section of the blog, because there are that many of these movies trying to make a cheap buck by slapping a jack-o'-lantern on the cover. In the meantime, I will be covering any old horror movie in October from here on out while adding a few of those barrel scrapings to the mix. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to it, but the well has pretty much run dry.

Instead, this year I've focused on adding a new section, and third blog, for the TV show, "Are You Afraid of the Dark." I've wanted to add something new for a while since covering movies has been slow. I love this show, and it's being resurrected, so now is the perfect time to get it out there. I'm still working on reviews for season 1, but if you want to check it out click this link or the tab above: https://thevagrantrises3.blogspot.com/

As for the movies, the reviews come out so slow now, because, realistically, they just suck anymore and I'm running out of ways to say that. I have discussed this before, but the entertainment industry as a whole has sputtered into oblivion. Overloaded with shills, every aspect of the industry has become political, borderline (and often open) propaganda with only a message and no creativity or a sense of timeless storytelling. Connected to this is a collective stagnation of ideas where everything is a sequel, reboot, remake, based on a book, etc. It's tiring. Furthermore, it gets annoying reading the shill reviews and promotions claiming any criticism of this garbage is done by "vocal trolls" and then the real crybaby-bitch complaints are labeled as "fans" hate ___. Uh huh. I don't want to go heavy into this topic since that's not what my blog is about at all. Just want to put it out there to explain my decreased activity over the last couple years. On the bright side, those who love to read the reviews where I'm angry and raging at a movie will love this material!

Monday, October 5, 2020

Hell House LLC III: Lake of Fire Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Ten years after the events of the first film, the Abaddon Hotel has been reopened once again, but will it be for the last time?

Review: I commend the effort to create a trilogy, but, this is, without a doubt, the worst entry of the three. The general premise is nonsensical with a final reveal that is cornball and felt like something from the Hallmark channel. It's also bizarre that a lot of the groundwork for this entry is laid during part 2, yet, somehow the story still fails to connect. It's not all bad though--let's put that out there. There are still some decent scares to be enjoyed and a few interesting ideas scattered about.

This time around, the hotel is reopened by a rich guy who wants to have some kind of performance art shown. This rich guy, Russell, is mentioned in part 2, but his involvement doesn't feel connected in the way that part 2 explained. There was this implication that the evil forces in the house were manipulating events for decades trying to open up some gateway to hell. While that does still happen, rather than Russell helping this happen or setting it into motion, he is miraculously an angel that closes the gate and destroys the hotel once and for all. Yeah, I know, roll your eyes with that. The execution of these ideas, and how it's depicted in the movie, is not good to say the least. I mean, what was the point of involving these specific people or this moronic performance art? Couldn't Russell have feasibly just swooped in with his angel powers and closed the gate? To make matters worse, the original cast is shown to have their spirits freed from the house--sorta--but what about all the other characters mentioned throughout the series and in part 2? I guess they're fucked.

Don't get me wrong, the concept of linking all three movies and trying to tie them together was fine. You do have that sense of anticipation to keep you guessing what will happen next as well. The characters were somewhat colorful even if on the annoying side at times. Truly, there is an okay movie under the flaws, but this is going to come off as a mediocre movie overall that is worsened because it's (as Randy would say) the concluding chapter of a trilogy. So, if you enjoyed parts 1 and 2 you may want to check this out for closure, however, I think most fans will be disappointed with this ending.

Notable Moment: When the one actress is dared to go into the basement and runs across our good old clown buddy.

Final Rating: 5/10

Sunday, October 4, 2020

Hell House LLC II: The Abaddon Hotel Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Years after the original events, an investigative team attempts to break into the hotel and uncover evidence of the truth.

Review: I'm probably in the minority here, but I liked this movie as much as the first. I wasn't expecting much from this entry, yet, it was able to surprise me with the direction the filmmaker took. The idea was to craft a trilogy of films by filling in more backstory on the previous installment while setting up part 3 in the process. The scares were just as good as part 1--better even in some instances--and the material is spiced up a bit. Of course, there are more of those inherent flaws by still making this found-footage, but where part 2 falters most is with a lame twist ending that doesn't work for beans.

This time around, nearly a decade has passed since the unexplained events of the first movie unfolded. The documentary that we, as the audience, watched became a phenomenon inspiring amateur ghost hunters and internet jackasses to flock to the hotel; these people subsequently go missing despite ghostly footage being found. The heart of the story is that the guy that assembled the documentary is on a talk show discussing the hotel and the implications of an actual haunting. The other guests on the show are an alleged psychic and some guy that supposedly works for the town government of Abaddon. An outside crew of investigative journalists have inside information and want to recruit the main guy to help them bust into the hotel and uncover the truth; the psychic guy tags along for good measure. Big shock...they become trapped in the hotel as the evil spirits pick them off one by one. Much of this is handled quite well thankfully. Our clown friends make a return, but the scares are a little different this time around. There are still remnants of the haunt attraction since nothing was really cleaned up after part 1. This helped make the films seem more intertwined especially when trying to add more information to part 1's story.

I was a big fan of this creepy background ghost.

Upfront, you need to understand there will be many of the same low-budget flaws of part 1 so you will either tolerate them or not. What can sour an experience I believe is this ending where we find out the original owner of the hotel is like this mastermind ghost that was posing on the talk show with the main guy. This is unfathomably stupid. It's like...if he can do all of that then what can't he do?! Then there was this idea that people have been summoned to the house for decades which was a huge plot tangent left unexplored. Finally, the ambiguity on the blonde chick or the main guy living didn't make sense nor was it explained. If the main guy lived, why don't we see him again? If the blonde girl was let out instead then why do we see her as yet another apparition posing as alive? And don't think part 3 fills in these answers.

So if the ending is dumb why would I rate it as high as part 1? I think there were instances of better ideas and camerawork. Likewise, I thought the pacing and flow of events was better with less meandering. This makes it where part 1 is a better story and satisfying ending whereas part 2 is a better production overall but hindered by a weak ending. At the end of the day, neither film is going to blow you away, but I don't think fans give this entry enough credit for what it has to offer.

Notable Moment: When Melissa pops up randomly only to immediately transform into some kind of demon. Her makeup was kind of bland, but, I don't know, I liked the voice change and how casual it was. Plus, she's cute as hell.

Final Rating: 6/10

Friday, October 2, 2020

Hell House LLC Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The bodies pile up when a Halloween attraction is built inside an actual haunted hotel.

Review: Hmm, should this fully count as a Halloween movie? Technically it doesn't take place on Halloween, however, the attraction itself was meant to be for Halloween so it's close enough. As for the sequels...they're getting lumped in regardless. Now, what exactly is a "Hell House LLC?" It's found-footage style which is immediately going to lose a sizable chunk of any audience. Despite the tired and cheap formula to found-footage, this is how you do it right. The pacing felt right with a healthy dose of scares to keep you going before the big finale. Sure, there are instances of questionable acting and moments where people wouldn't realistically keep a camera rolling, but there's a fun movie here if you're willing to give it a try.

A little background on the story's structure will help paint the picture. A group of, I guess, friends and coworkers have worked on multiple Halloween haunts and decide to setup shop at an abandoned hotel called the Abaddon. They film everything that goes on with the production, because they want to use the footage to spot flaws in their setup along with having visual references for future attraction they build. That might be an acceptable reason to film, but they kind of take that to unrealistic proportions you just have to accept from a movie. As for the Abaddon Hotel, of course it is given a sketchy background to explain away the creepy happenings that the main cast experiences.

This clown guy especially loves moving on his own.

What makes this movie interesting and, at times, truly scary is the complete utilization of the Halloween haunt concept. The attraction the characters set up is cool with numerous creepy props at every turn. When characters are roaming around the hotel, you are left scanning the entire screen trying to see what is prop and what is moving on its own. This keeps you on edge at all times as a viewer and can be intense when the characters are moving fast; I might even go as far as to say there was a sense of dread. As you would easily guess, many unsettling things happen to the characters since the hotel turns out to be haunted after all. By the end, when they finally open the haunt up to the public is when things really amp up; the film certainly delivers the goods you were hoping to see.

While "Hell House LLC" does much correctly, it does still fall into the trappings of found-footage. It's not just filming things no one would, it's this idea that you already know what will happen since we are shown the aftermath of the events at the film's start. I get that this is to build tension since you want to know how it happened, but it sucks to know who will die and who won't right away. There is an attempt to throw a curveball to the viewer with a final twist, but that still doesn't alter the expectations you feel while watching. The fate of the characters should have been kept vague until the reveal of each one dying with less focus on the how and more emphasis on the anticipation toward the climax. I mean, there are other flaws you can nitpick, but this was low-budget and I can overlook certain weaknesses.

All things considered, "Hell House LLC" has been flying under the radar for a lot of people. This is a great low-budget flick that definitely feels creepier when watching around Halloween time. The clever usage of the background props along with the legit scares enhances what would be an otherwise cookie-cutter experience. You do need to understand this is found-footage and has the inherent flaws that accompany that subgenre when handled poorly. This film does take most things with stride, but you do still see many common missteps these types are know for. Nevertheless, this is a recommend that you should check out this year.

Notable Moment: When Paul has a shadowy figure behind him while he's laying in bed. This is probably the first scare, and I like that we never really figure out who or what that was.

Final Rating: 6/10

Monday, July 20, 2020

Truth or Dare (2017) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A group of friends are pulled into a supernatural game of truth or dare.

Review: Should this count as a Halloween movie? The characters say it's Halloween, but there is neither sight nor sound of even the faintest hint that it's Halloween. I'm going to have to say no, this doesn't count. Anyway, this story is strikingly similar to another truth or dare horror movie I've covered so don't think I'm losing my mind with this review. In fact, there are many horror movies with the same title or employ this same kind of premise. In this instance, we get a by-the-numbers killer game plot that was almost passable until an unforgivable ending just had to ruin the entire experience. Thanks for that by the way.

You might easily guess what's going on here. A group of friends are staying at an alleged haunted house where a prior group claimed to have played a deadly game of truth or dare. Sure enough, this group of characters becomes entangled in the same supernatural game. If you fail to answer a truth, or fail at a dare, you die. As such, the truths become harder to admit and the dares become increasingly dangerous. This is all standard fare most audiences would expect. To this film's credit, the scenarios concocted were kind of original and creative. I was also surprised by the order characters died since the story shifts focus a bit as it progresses.

Sadly, whatever good faith the movie was amassing gets shit on by an ending that comes out of nowhere with zero resolution. You never find out what is causing this deadly game of truth or dare which was especially annoying since it appeared there was a female spirit controlling it. But that's hardly the issue when the movie is too busy showing us the last two characters trying to finish the final dare when they crash into a tree and fade to black. Wait...whaaaat? Yeah, the movie has the audacity to make the characters not even finish the game or show what happened. Hell, the movie didn't even have the budget to show the car crash...we only get the stock sound effect. Fuck! If all the characters died, and the game won, that would feel cheap but at least it's a conclusion. This, on the other hand, was no ending. Why do filmmakers even do this shit?

Realistically, if "Truth or Dare" had a better ending--or an ending--I would have upped the rating a bit into the decent category. Instead, this is mediocre all the way. The story can be fun at times, but that wasting of valuable time is something I must always acknowledge. Shit endings make so many movies unwatchable, and, despite the average rating, I can't recommend this. It's a shame too, because there were good ideas that were readily squandered.

Notable Moment: When the one guy gets blown away trying to rob the bank. Whoa...don't mess with granny.

Final Rating: 5/10

Mercy Black Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After being released from a mental institution, a woman must come to terms with her childhood crime and the potential supernatural force she awakened.

Review: Part ripoff of the Slender Man mythos--and huge exploitation of the real life Slender Man stabbing case--this film deserves a lot of the hate it's getting. With that said, this was surprisingly entertaining with all things considered. In fact, it's significantly better than the retarded Slender Man movie that came out a few years ago. My main complaint with the film really is that it's completely derivative in every conceivable way. But what happens when an imitation actually surpasses what it's ripping off? Well, you get "Mercy Black."

I will say this...the blinder you go into this movie the better it will feel. So a little backstory: As a little girl, Marina, and her best friend, appear to kill a third friend in order to summon this supernatural being called Mercy Black. After 15 years in a mental institution, Marina is released and tries to live a normal life. Her memories are fuzzy and a portion of the mystery is figuring out what actually happened all those years ago. On the peripheral, Marina's nephew is convinced Mercy Black is real and appears to be following in his aunt's footsteps. For the majority of the film you can't be sure if Mercy Black is real or whether someone is trying to get revenge on Marina. I think this direction was presented incredibly well with plenty of red herrings. Likewise, the film delivers on the twists with a satisfying payoff.

The story does try to make Marina more innocent than she should be--essentially absolving her of her crimes--but the way the character is depicted works; a big part of this is due to the actress, Daniella Pineda. I did think the film was going in the direction that Marina was the mastermind behind it all, but the filmmakers opted for a different direction which was appreciated. Where the film falters most is in the lack of substance. Is this a movie about psychological recovery or a whodunnit or a supernatural horror? It's hard to adequately explain it...but the events lack a kind of fluidity between scenes. Furthermore, there was a severe lack of inner turmoil. These characters are experiencing bizarre events, murder, and so much more yet are not reacting believably. Marina especially should have had more moments of psychological breaks, and the sister should have suspected Marina was behind it all or at least considered this angle.

 Ms. Pineda is definitely a cutey, and I love that hair style.

Overall, I don't think "Mercy Black" fully deserves the critical trouncing it has received. Oh, sure, it's unoriginal, but this is what the Slender Man movie should have actually been. Is it in bad taste to trivialize the real stabbing case? Maybe, but many crime shows and movies borrow from real events so I can't hold it against this movie. I'm not saying this is going to knock your socks off, but I think many audiences will be pleasantly surprised by "Mercy Black" and its twists and turns. In effect, this movie is better than it has any right to be.

Notable Moment: When the son is trying to kill his friend. There was just something so disturbing about this scene to me.

Final Rating: 6/10

In the Tall Grass Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Two families become trapped in a field where time and space do not operate normally.

Review: This is what happens when you don't mow the lawn all summer. What can I say about this movie? It's fairly straightforward: people are trapped in a magic field as shenanigans ensue. This doesn't mean the story is bad, but the plot is certainly stretched thin with a premise more befitting of a TV show episode. However, the best thing going for "In the Tall Grass" is the mystery at hand. You want to understand what is happening to these characters, and the intrigue is presented remarkably well. Unfortunately, the payoff simply isn't there.

More or less, the enjoyment of the film hinges on the mystery and how much it engages the audience. The image in my mind was nothing more than a large field, but I think we could extrapolate the idea that some random town was completely engulfed by this sentient grass. Or is it really the grass that's magical or this megalodon nose-looking rock? Might have been better if it were a megalodon. We also have tree-people and these carvings that foretell the future or whatever. So, yeah, jack shit is explained. And, no, this isn't the kind of movie where things should be left this vague. Had the reveal at the end been that there was a big rock at the center of the field, then that might have worked since the audience could be left imagining the possibilities. Was the rock alien tech? Some ancient relic? Whatever you want it to be. Instead, the audience knows about this rock all movie long without any background information. It can warp time and space? There are tangent futures and alternate realities? If the rock can show you all eventualities, how did the dad get defeated? What became of the Tobin who was all-knowing? The time warping doesn't even add up since we never get things to connect. Oh, sure, the events come full circle, but why couldn't anyone else escape if the rock makes you omniscient? Eh, the story is Swiss cheese. You can try to rationalize it...but why even bother?

While I do believe the ending will leave most audiences with a sense of wasting their time, I do still think there is room for casual entertainment here. The actors are decent, the cinematography is good, and the primary mystery does keep you invested. I also appreciated the weirdness to everything--like this was Twilight Zone-esque. The material really would have served better as a TV show episode in which the final reveal is showing the rock at the center of the field. Oh well. I can't necessarily say this is worth a view, but I wouldn't classify it as bad either.

Notable Moment: When the ground opened up and we saw, presumably, all the bodies of everyone who died in the field. It's fascinating imagery, yet, does this mean the rock is more of a tree trunk?

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

Ju-on: Origins (TV Show) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A television show remake of the Ju-on series.

Review: Let's not mince words here--this was a complete fucking waste of time. If you thought this was going to be an origin story for the Saeki family, or maybe even a retcon of why they were cursed, forget about it. Now you might be thinking that's a good thing...which it is...but this isn't what you'd want. This is an indirect reboot of the franchise which technically makes this the FIFTH retelling of the original events from "Ju-on: The Curse." I think the well is dry people! This could have worked as a prequel very easily too which is what made the experience so disappointing.

It's pointless for me to do an episode breakdown due to the nature of the storytelling. What we get is various characters interacting with the curse across, roughly, ten years. In fact, the idea was to have these characters gradually come together and cross paths in an effort to uncover, and possibly stop, the curse. In theory, this concept was a great direction to take things. Unfortunately, the delivery is an utter failure with countless loose ends left hanging. This fundamentally ruins the entire buildup of the series as you wait patiently to see how all these characters and events will culminate and then nothing happens. Furthermore, the characters themselves have tenuous connections to one another at best which makes the interactions feel forced.

So what the hell is even happening? Our wannabe Kayako of this story--and let me stress she isn't Kayako--was held captive by some guy who tortured the girl and impregnated her. Somehow she managed to kill the guy and give birth to the baby. There were so many babies getting killed in this show I couldn't even keep track of whether the Kayako-clone's baby did die or if it's left open to what became of it. It really doesn't matter. Anyway, when people visit the house the Kayako-clone goes after them in, how shall we say, inconsistent ways; some people die, some people are perfectly fine, and some people go crazy. And then some people spontaneously combust?! Yeaaaah, the rules of the original are out the window with little to no explanation for why some people are chosen to receive their fate. Most importantly, the scares simply are not there. If you think our new Kayako-clone is going to do things in an innovative way then you will be sorely mistaken. The thing is...our new Kayako-clone just isn't at the heart of the story. She's just there. The real meat and potatoes of the story involves the lives of the cursed characters.

There are many characters that are presented and cursed, but I think we can break things down into the writer, the celebrity, and the raped girl. These are the core characters who are affected by the curse, and we see how their lives have been influenced by the curse. The writer is obsessed with trying to find the house for vague reasons. Yeah, he does have a connection with the house, but you and he do not figure that out until close to the end. Then the celebrity wants to figure out what happened to her boyfriend that was killed by the curse. Finally, the girl who was raped at the house had her life spiral into madness after that day. I get that she's supposed to be the most tragic and fucked up character, but she never has closure or redeems herself or anything meaningful. We see her terrible life for ten years only for her to be taken to Kayako-land offscreen? Are you shitting me here?! The secondary characters don't fair much better either, but I wasn't expecting them to have mind-blowing story arcs. For the main three, there needed to be more closure and development. And that's kind of the problem right there...nothing really becomes of any of these events. The story feels disconnected and poorly spliced together.

Now for the truly bungled aspects to the story! Riddle me this Batman, why didn't the writers make the series end with the Saeki's moving in? The interesting thing about the entire franchise has been the way time and space warps at the house. Yet, somehow, the writers failed to present their own premise they're showing! What the fuck?! For example, the glass breaking when the writer was a kid. They kind of hint that the raped girl did this in the present, and he experienced it in the past, but then they screw that up by showing it did happen in the present. NO! The movies made things confusing with this time travel subplot, but they didn't have the time to properly develop the idea. With a TV show, this could have been accomplished but nope. And if you are not going to address the time travel plot line, or set this up as the origin for the Saeki's, then why even bother making this show set in the past? Of course, the writers were trying to say something by depicting the real life horrors that happened in Japan during this period but to what end? Was that supposed to be the cause of the curse or the curse causing it? This vagueness makes it appear pretentious as hell.

It's not all bad though. The look and style of the show was fantastic. You could tell a lot of care was put into the set designs, sound, and cinematography. The makeup for the Kayako-clone was weak, but the use of shadows and lighting was done considerably well. I especially liked when they were doing the seance in the attic and telling her ghost to come closer; impressive use of lighting, camerawork, and sound all wrapped up in that one scene. The acting was great from the players even if their roles didn't deliver from a storytelling perspective. Seeing those '80s and '90s hairdos and props was a nice touch despite the insignificance of the past setting. I mean, there are parts of the story I did like, and the mystery does keep you engaged and wanting more. It's just hard to forgive a lack of payoff and the sense that you've invested your time into nothing.

Overall, I had high hopes, but they were dashed fairly early on. Cutting out Kayako and crew entirely was the biggest blunder. This show could have served two purposes. We could finally see the Saeki's lives before they died, and they could have showed the events leading up to the curse being formed. Instead, we get something closer to a drama whereby the characters have had shitty lives due to going into the cursed house. Maybe if each episode were a standalone encounter with the house, it might have been interesting. But if the goal was to tell this intertwining journey of characters over time, then it failed miserably in both execution and delivery. Worst of all, there is no payoff to any of this. We do not get any big revelations or twists whatsoever. As such, I can't recommend this show. It will seem okay if you know next to nothing about the Ju-on series, yet, I still can't imagine it being all that entertaining. As for those that have followed this franchise for decades now, you will not be pleased to say the least. This neither offers anything new or expands upon the lore. It's just another reboot except with more focus on those cursed rather than the curse.

Notable Moment: There were some okay ideas here and there. I guess when that shadow woman appeared it was surprising. Not entirely sure what that was supposed to be, but it was reminiscent of Kayako's first appearance in "Ju-on: The Grudge."

Final Rating: 5/10

Bonus: How to salvage this shit? Very easy actually. Keep the setting and characters as is except add a young Kayako to the cast. Tweak some of the stupidity with side characters in order to focus more on the cursed house. Get rid of this vagueness with the main ghost and just make it where she's looking for her baby or whatever. Imply that these horrific real life events were bottling up the evil into this house. Have young Kayako still obsessed with Toshio's teacher and all that jazz except make him cross paths with the other characters. Kayako could also be a classmate of the characters.

Instead of seeing these characters across years of dealing with the curse, shorten their time to a few years before they get killed. Wrap things up with the Saeki's moving into the house, and the ghost girl "gives" her baby to Kayako in the form of Toshio. This is similar to what happens in the show, but this time have it make sense. Then just cut to a montage of the Saeki family being murdered and you will have successfully set up a prequel that is faithful to the original series.

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

Tokyo Urban Legend Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: An anthology of four, unrelated horror tales.

Review: This is a case of good ideas with absolute shit execution. The stories aren't exactly groundbreaking in the first place, however, just when things are building up the segments crash and burn. More noticeable is that there is no clear direction--no through line as a guiding principle to help each story. So we have no wrap around, no common plot themes, and the segments range from 5 to 30 minutes long arbitrarily. This feels more akin to a collection of random internet videos than a legitimate anthology. The only noticeable commonality is the camerawork...that's about it. In fact, the very title itself is nonsensical since none of the stories take place in Tokyo (from what I can tell), and only the last tale involves an urban legend. The fuck? Oh well, let's take a look at what we get here.

Roommate: Honestly things don't start off too bad. Two girls, Yumi and Kasumi, share an apartment together, but aren't necessarily friends. Yumi discovers that Kasumi is banging her ex-boyfriend, and the two split up seemingly. Sometime later it becomes obvious that Yumi is dead, but she returns as a Kayako-clone. We learn that the boyfriend killed Yumi, because she was going to blab that he was nailing both chicks. He ain't that good looking. So his response is to also kill Kasumi while Kayako-Yumi watches. The end? Uh okaaaaay. Don't these ghosts usually want revenge? Well, yes, apparently she just wanted Kasumi to die more than her own murderer. In hindsight, at least this segment had a resolution so it's probably the best of the bunch sadly.

Lottery: This story pissed me off the most. Some guy realizes he's won the lottery and is trying to figure out a way to hide the ticket until he can cash it. This segment is actually quite funny. Unfortunately, right when you think this is gonna be a dark comedy story, the guy has some dude knocking on his door that he doesn't want to talk to. Then the camera pans back to the guy's closet and his own dead body is in there. The end! No, FUCK YOU! This segment is mere minutes long and is an incomplete failure. Who the hell would be okay with creating this? So his ghost is imagining this? Or we are seeing the future where the door-man kills the main guy for the ticket? Well, if it's the latter, then that is fucking horrendous editing!

Woman with the Bandaged Face: Now this is the kind of story that fits a Japanese urban legend, yet, they don't present this story coherently. Two sisters, apparently living without their parents, start to notice bloody trash bags outside, and the younger sister sees this creepy woman dropping the bags off. Covered in these bandages, the younger sister is rightfully alarmed especially when she keeps staring down the sister. There are these interludes between scenes of what appears to be the older sister in a chatroom or something. The story sets up this notion that the older sister is either the bandaged woman or wants the bandaged woman to kill the younger sister. But neither of these options occur which, once again, removes any kind of payoff. Instead, the bandaged woman literally teleports into the kitchen and kills both sisters. The segment ends with more internet chatter as if this explains the idiocy we have been shown. They even speculate if the bandaged woman was a ghost since she teleported but try and claim a clever person could have done it. Yeaaah, so clever you discovered a way to walk through a wall. What the fuck is even happening in this movie?! At least the older sister was a babe!

Her name is Kaori Tsubaki for anyone curious.

Suicide High School: Finally, wrapping things up is the only story to involve an urban legend. Unfortunately, it borders on pretentious and has a nonsensical ending which appears to be the true theme of this movie. Yet again, we have two sisters except this time one is making a documentary, or something, while the other is the one supplying the material. The gist is that some girl was bullied, committed suicide, and now her ghost supernaturally attracts other girls to the school to kill themselves. The older sister and her partner dig up the details on the story and eventually find the rumored school. While filming, the two see ghost girl and she shows them her true story which was actually her murder and body hidden by a teacher. I mean, it's a super cliched tale, but I can accept it. However, they couldn't just stop there, could they? When you think things are over, the younger sister appears and wants to commit suicide because she's being bullied too? I don't know! We are given no context or evidence for this shit, and the older sister doesn't seem to be trying to stop it either which was moronic. Then we cut to a TV on a stairwell with a wannabe PSA about anti-bullying while the credits roll. Come again? Seriously, what the hell is happening with this movie?!

Overall, this film is a mess from start to finish and severely lacking where it matters most. While the general premises behind each segments were interesting, or even fun, the segments fail to deliver every single time in such a way as to infuriate the viewer. The running time is relatively short as well so I think there could have been a wraparound of some sort to tie things up better. Hell even something as basic as someone sitting around reading about each segment in a tabloid about urban legends could have enhanced the experience. It just feels like so little effort was put into anything. This is an easy skip unless a particular story piques your interest for whatever reason.

Notable Moment: In the "Lottery" story when the guy says thanks and goodbye to the picture of his girlfriend and places it face down. I don't know, that shot of her goofy face made it seem like an homage to Buzz's girlfriend in "Home Alone." Man, they could have done so much with the tale but decided it was only worth 5 minutes. Good lord.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

Tuesday, May 5, 2020

Hide and Never Seek Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Two guys that run a paranormal livestream discover their most recent investigation is real.

Review: Man, this was some seriously wasted potential...yet again. If you've watched the "Hide and Go Kill" movies (which I've reviewed), then you should be familiar with the general premise here. I was actually surprised that they'd use this story line, because I'm left to believe that this is a real ghost story in Japan now? Or did the Korean filmmakers simply like the concept and thought people wouldn't be familiar with this "hide and seek alone" game? Anybody out there know what is the dealio? Regardless, it's not that this movie simply fumbles the premise, it's that the filmmakers forgot to include any scares or tension. Even at the climax, when everything should be hitting a horrific crescendo, nothing happens to make the payoff worth it.

"Hide and Never Seek" does start off promising enough as we are introduced to the main guys; these two run an internet show where they investigate various paranormal stories. The two guys not getting along makes little sense that they'd work together, but I guess that helps create banter to keep the plot rolling. Anyway, the opening segment gave me a lot of hope for what was to come. because the characters lean more on disbelief in the paranormal as they try to prove a story is fake. Unfortunately, that early momentum dwindles once we get to the primary story which involves the aforementioned "hide and seek alone" ghost game. The main guys are sent a video of two girls playing the game which prompts them to launch an investigation worthy of their show. We get lots of moments where you think something cool or scary may happen but nope. At last, when they have their big investigation at night--at the same location of the video and performing their own "hide and seek alone" ritual--we finally get some action. However, this climax is short-lived and unfulfilling with many questions left unanswered and ideas squandered. For example, why was that girl in the water tower if the ghosts drag you off to Kayako-land? Why was the one girl on that island in the beginning? It goes on.

The "hide and seek alone" urban legend, or whatever you'd classify it as, is interesting, but it was handled better in the "Hide and Go Kill" movies. In this instance, the story doesn't incorporate enough of this urban legend into the action. More so, there is little attention put into keeping the tension raised during the running time; well, unless decoy scares impress you. I mean, we know the characters are in danger since it's a horror movie, but the movie does not properly instill that atmosphere or any sense of dread. And the way that their first case connected to the current one was flimsy and stupid. Were the filmmakers just so desperate to create twists that they added shit as an afterthought?

Despite these flaws, there were still good ideas here and there. The core story line of the movie is intriguing, and could have been a great fit for the found-footage genre. Sadly, the scarier premise would have been to make a movie about the two girls that originally played the game and showing their lives spiral into madness with ghosts after them. Oh well. I can't say that "Hide and Never Seek" will deliver enough entertainment, but it's competently made and is more fun if you've watched the "Hide and Go Kill" movies. Of course, they blew the chance to connect this film to those movies, but maybe that would be asking too much.

Notable Moment: The opening sequence at the cursed island. I kept thinking this girl in the well story would bridge everything together, but we didn't even get clarity about whether or not that old man murdered her or what.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Friday, May 1, 2020

Kidan: Piece of Darkness Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: An anthology involving 10 horror tales sent in to a writer.

Review: Well, you're definitely getting some bang for your buck here. Supposedly these stories are from the works of a writer named Fuyumi Ono; can't say that I'm familiar with her work. Essentially, this understanding about the writer works toward the unorthodox framing device they use here. Instead of a traditional wraparound (or nothing at all), "Kidan" opts for this writer acting as the narrator to the stories. You never see her, yet, you can kind of imagine it being like a radio show or something. For the most part, these stories are straightforward with the usage of Japanese horror tropes, but that doesn't mean they can't be fun. So let's have a rundown of each segment.

Overtaking: Kicking things off is a short tale to pull the audience in. Before you even get the framing device setup, we see a group of friends who are said to like the idea of finding ghosts and being scared but don't actually want to see one. As it turns out, they come across a ghostly woman hitchhiking who gives them chase while they try to drive away. And that's it really. This merely works to establish the tone which isn't always the most serious. While the ghost effect is weak, this was a promising way to start things.

Shadow Man: Slowing down the pacing a bit, we get the first story to come after the title card. A grandma is watching her grandchildren until they all nap. She wakes up to a loud banging which is someone smacking their hands against the glass door. As granny gets closer the apparition seemingly disappears but reappears behind her. This is just a dream or is it? Later on, when the mom shows up, her and granny hear the banging again. Unfortunately, little is explained and the story sorta ends when it's getting good. This is when it will become apparent that having these stories represent "fan-mail," if you will, takes away a lot of the tension knowing the characters are obviously alive to write the letters.

Tailed: When a girl is coming home from school she sees a strange man in blue standing around. I guess this bothers her so much she finds the nearest old man to stop this pesky standing. It's implied she saw his ghost, because the man in blue is shown to have hanged himself. I also want to acknowledge a lot of people hang themselves in these stories. Anyway, this girl sees the man in blue all over and the tale ends with the idea that the ghost is attached to her somehow throughout her whole life. Eh, this could have been scarier, but it had a certain level of realism that worked--as if this could be someone's actual account.

Looking Together: Two teachers apparently have a fling, but the guy doesn't want anything serious. For whatever reason, this sends the other teacher over the edge and she kills herself shortly after. Immediately after this, the ghost of the woman comes back and clingier than ever. A normal man might crumble under the fear. Not this guy! He puts up with her otherworldly shit like a champ, and that's all that really happens. One thing that baffled me here was, when the ghost is teleporting around to be creepy, a student bumps into her and thinks nothing of it. I don't understand why this was included. Is there some meaning to that? I thought maybe we'd discover it was an elaborate hoax. Oh well.

The Woman in Red: This is a segment that will be much closer to what fans may expect. There is an urban legend about, you guessed it, a woman in red who comes after anyone who talks about her. A new girl in school tells a few classmates this at a surprise birthday party. As it turns out, this is like "The Ring" but instead of a tape you just need to hear someone explain the legend with every detail. As it turns out, the new girl couldn't find anyone to tell at her old school, since they all knew about it, and so she moved to spread it. Sure enough, the woman in red appears and kills(?) most of the girls. Tough to say what she's actually doing. Likewise, it's never really said if she's a ghost or what since she runs around like a lunatic. The woman in red herself is effective enough but nothing special. I did like this story, however, it's as cookie-cutter as it gets at this point.

Empty Channel: I had a lot of hope for this tale since it took a different approach. Some guy is trying to find an education radio station (I guess that's real?) but stumbles upon a crazy lady going apeshit. Obviously this lady is a ghost, but you may notice the stories jump around time periods without ever explicitly setting up a date. As time goes on, this guy becomes almost possessed by the ghost on the radio station. This guy does kill himself, but it's unclear if it was the ghost or if he did it to be with her or something. They probably could have handled this material better given the interesting premise. Still, it was okay.

Whose Kid?: This wasn't a particularly good segment, but, I don't know, the characters here are so goofy and funny it works better than it should. These two teachers are the last at school when the one hints that strange things happen at night. This scares the other, but, before he knows it, the other guy has bailed. I just love how the one teacher keeps saying smartass replies in English. Anyway, some little girl appears and taunts the remaining teacher. Now, any sane person would see that it's painfully obvious she's a ghost, but this guy goes fucking nuts chasing her around the school talking shit the whole time in the best of ways. Meanwhile, the other guy comes back just to add more banter to the situation. Once the one teacher realizes he's chasing a ghost he runs away finally. Eventually the two teachers meet back up and realize that this little girl is maybe something more evil than a ghost. I'd honestly like to see more of these two goofballs! Of course, I can understand others not liking the comedic tone presented here.

Let's Carry On: The dumbest kids in the world decide to play in a graveyard even after horrible accidents continue to occur. For the most part, this was not the best structured tale as it makes little sense that kids would ignore everyone narrowly surviving falls and trips that probably should kill them. Sure, when like a kid or two got fucked up, fine, but when five kids are down why would the group continue? I suppose it might be implied they have to do this for supernatural reasons, however, that would be mere speculation. Anyway, the kids are eliminated one after another by these accidents until one kid is left. Just when you think it's over, some blood-drenched kid comes running out of nowhere to join the fun. Now, I'll admit that was kind of scary and unexpected how they showed this. In fact, I'd say that payoff made the story worth it in general.

Thief: Well every anthology must have a worst story...say hello. Perhaps they wanted a segment more grounded in reality, but this felt more pretentious than anything. Some lady with a bunch of kids is pregnant one day yet slim the next; the lady says she was just fat. The main girl comes across some boy that indirectly explains his apparent murder at birth or maybe late-term abortion--I don't know. So he's a ghost? None of this matters since the main girl simply confronts the lady who denies everything. The end? Yeah, the end. This entry didn't fit the tone and themes of the other tales, and this realization makes it stick out like a sore thumb.

Sealed: Okay, so it's the last segment...will this movie drop the ball? Given the history of this blog the odds aren't in "Kidan's" favor. I'm proud to say they do deliver the goods! More so, this might be the best story of the bunch too! Wowwee, has that even happened before? The story is that the main chick broke up with her cheating boyfriend and wants him to pick up his stuff. In the background, the girl keeps noticing that her closet door is opening slightly. Earlier, we saw that the closet is actually so packed that there couldn't possibly be someone in there either. She tests the door and continues to close it until one day she gets frustrated and ties it shut. While lying in bed, the girl notices the ribbon she used to tie the door is being pulled through the crack and unraveling. This shot is done quite well.  This is where this story pulls a fast one on the audience since you think it will be about a haunted closet or whatever. Instead, this piece of luggage we saw in the closest actually has Kayako hanging out in it! Well, it's not really her but close enough. The next day the ex-boyfriend comes to get his stuff which included the piece of luggage. When he goes to open it, Kayako springs out to grab him. Instead of helping the ex, the main chick helps send that cheating sumabitch off to Kayako-land! It ends with the main chick satisfied and throwing away the piece of luggage. Although the luggage could have always been haunted, I think we can assume the ex killed the girl that haunts it. The way he says he found it, and the way he looks at some tools, it feels suspicious and would explain why the ghost didn't kill the main girl. Not a bad way to wrap things up that's for sure.

There is a lot to take in here with ten tales. Some might think this is an instance of quantity over quality, but there are still some winners in the mix. Most tales do border on the mediocre side, however, there's really only one stinker in the bunch which isn't a bad total. My main gripe is toward the lack of anything particularly original or even done differently. Sure, something like the "Sealed" story worked remarkably well, but it's still just a Kayako/Sadako clone except in the closet. Nevertheless, I think the amount of stories, and the surprising amount of quality to them, makes this movie worth seeking out.

Notable Moment: Hmm, there are a few great moments to chose from. I think I'll go with the ghost popping up in the "Let's Carry On" segment since, not only does it come as a surprise, it salvages what's mostly a subpar segment.

Final Rating: 6.5/10

Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Triangle (2009) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After their boat is overturned, a group of friends are rescued by a cruise ship that seemingly harbors a masked killer.

Review: This movie surprised me a bit, because it starts off slasher-esque but transitions into something deeper. On the surface, this would appear to be nothing more than a masked killer whodunnit situation, however, we quickly discover there are supernatural elements that complicate matters. In fact, it might be fair to say the filmmakers bit off more than they could chew in the grand scheme of things. I do like the general direction "Triangle" takes, but will audiences be pleased with its big twists being spoiled far too early? Let's take a look.

Weirdly enough, this movie and "The Boat" both had the ships named Aeolus. What a bizarre coincidence. Anyway, to quickly summarize things, our main character, Jess, meets up with some friends on a yacht. Shortly after, the yacht is capsized in a storm. A cruise ship passes by and picks up the stranded friends, but no one appears to be aboard. After exploring for a time (and splitting up, of course!), someone wearing a makeshift mask attacks and kills everyone except Jess. In this confusion, it's hard to tell what is happening, yet, Jess is able to turn the tide on the killer and throw them overboard. The end, right? Wrong. Jess then hears the cries of her friends, and herself, coming from the capsized boat. Not sure what is happening, Jess follows her friends around the cruise ship as we learn this is all one big time loop. The masked killer is actually Jess--a future version of her--who thinks the only way to end the time loop is to kill everyone. Uh huh. As the story progresses, we see the normal Jess turn into the killer in effort to get back to her son. Eventually, we have another revelation once Jess manages to get back to land. It's the ol' main character is really evil surprise! God knows I love that soooo much! There is a spin to this at least since Jess has decided to kill her past self and take back over as a changed woman. There's just one problem--the supernatural forces at work lead her to die along with her son. This brings us back to the beginning of the film with Jess somehow cheating death--creating this loop in the first place in order to somehow save her son. Eh, don't think too hard about it.

First let's deal with the positives. I genuinely LOVE when a movie comes full circle! "Triangle" accomplishes this feat quite well and ties up many loose ends scattered throughout the story; the plotting and pacing for the story is tight which impressed me. The main chick, Jess, is played wonderfully by Melissa George. The other actors are serviceable, but Ms. George juggles many personalities and carries everything well. The overall ambiance and story are both great and keep the audience engaged with what will come next. It's hard to adequately explain, but I appreciated the general ideas and concepts presented. I expected a little more, but I'm satisfied with what we got.

As for the negatives, let's go with the predictability. Why, oh why, did they have a character explain the time loop before we even get the appearance of the masked killer? The filmmakers could have kept the plot grounded in the normal world and then sprang the twist. And this allusion to Sisyphus doesn't really work here. It's not that Sisyphus reneged on a deal with death, it's that Sisyphus was punished for thinking he was more clever than the gods, having tricked them more than once in the mythology. The revelation for how Jess got into this time loop is nonsensical with an otherworldly taxi driver. Whaaaat? And why can't Jess escape the situation if she already knows the actions of her other selves? I was actually hoping they'd imply that the friend who drowned was the key to why the loop won't end but nope. I don't know...there is just this hollow feeling to the experience; there is something missing to fully bring things together.

Wrapping things up...the tone, look, and pacing are spot on; the film handles the technical aspects respectably given what looks to be a low budget. Taking the masked killer angle and pulling a switcheroo was a cool change of pace. I did want the explanations to be more meaningful and thought out, however, I can appreciate the effort and understand the vision of the filmmakers. While I do have considerable problems with "Triangle" there is more than enough positives here to warrant an enjoyable view.

Notable Moment: When the one friend stumbles across dozens of her own body; it shows how long the loop has been going on. Cool idea in theory, but, if this is some kind of supernatural time loop, wouldn't all the bodies disappear each time things reset?

Final Rating: 6/10

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

The Boat (2018) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A man becomes trapped on a boat, but is someone else onboard?

Review: "The Boat" isn't working with a lot yet it's able to accomplish a considerable amount nonetheless. Employing one, sole actor, the director's son, "The Boat" is a feature-length adaptation of a short by the same father and son duo. The main draw with this little film is the curiosity. At a glance, this appears to be more of a drama, however, layers of mystery unfold as things progress leading you to wonder what even happened in the first place. For the most part, the movie engages the audience in the mystery, but, by the end, I think audiences will be disappointed with the outcome.

For the positives I have to give credit to our lone actor, Joe Azzopardi. Ultimately, he carried the entire film on his shoulders which was no easy task. As stated, the intrigue surrounding the story is what will keep a viewer invested. The main guy becomes trapped on this boat stranded in the ocean, but there is clearly more going on. There are clues to something occurring onboard, and there is always this lingering presence that someone is on the ship, lurking in the peripheral. At the same time, the film includes enough natural explanations to keep you guessing for sure. By the end, you may start to realize the bizarre reality even when the main guy seemingly finds a hidden cubby-hole. It turns out this is some kind of ghost ship or an actual sentient vessel. Maybe it's an alien. Obviously I enjoy the mystery leading up to this point, and especially the stringing along of the audience. With that said, this revelation is lame and comes out of the blue. Why would a ghost or a living ship bother messing with this particular guy? Had the ship simply sailed off into the sunset, we could have been left wondering, but maybe that would have been even more disappointing? Beyond the ending, there simply isn't much else worthwhile going on--unraveling the mystery is the single reason to watch the movie. To me, this is a huge failure in writing since we could have had some twist involving the main guy that served to explore his character indirectly. Oh well.

All things considered, "The Boat" isn't the best story, but it's a good effort from an indie. Much of the camerawork is exceptional given filming on water is notoriously difficult. On some level, I think I appreciate this film more for its technical efforts than its overall presentation. On the other hand, this film can still provide casual entertainment through a respectable mystery and interesting concepts. There is certainly worse out there, but there isn't much to write home about here. Viewers simply need to keep their expectations tempered if they're going to watch.

Notable Moment: When the ship disappears. Effective use of editing, but you could just feel this moment coming which hurt to a degree.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Friday, April 10, 2020

The Twilight Zone: Rod Serling's Lost Classics Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Two old scripts written by Rod Serling that were adapted for TV in the '90s.

Review: In fairness, only one of these "lost classics" could be considered a TZ episode; that being the first segment. The second segment doesn't really fit the design of a TZ episode which is why many say it's closer to an episode of "Night Gallery." Nevertheless, how do these tales stack up against the series proper? Well, they're nothing to write home about and would have been considered middle of the road to me. It's not that they're bad stories--they're just on the boring side with nothing unique to them. Both tales tackle subjects discussed in previous episodes that were done better then. Still, there is some entertainment to be had so let's take a look, shall we?

The Theatre: This story does feel TZ-ish so it does have that going for it. A woman, named Melissa, fears getting married to her doctor fiance for whatever reason. The significance of this plot point appears relevant, but I'm just not seeing it. Melissa makes plans for a movie festival, but, instead of playing the movie, she sees events from her life and the future on the screen. Had this vision of the future connected to her potential marriage then things might have made sense, however, the future depicts her dying in a cartoonish manner in the coming days. Compelled to return to the theater, Melissa sees more of her future until she becomes fearful of her imminent death. But just when you think Melissa is about to die, the events do not occur as shown. Whew. Oh, wait, both our main characters are fucking retards who didn't know what day it was, and the exact same scenario happens again the next night and Melissa does die. Uhhh...okaaaay. Your twist should not hinge on two clueless idiots forgetting what day it is. The story ends with the fiance experiencing the same phenomenon when he goes to the theater. While the conclusion is lackluster, the ambiance to the episode is decent. Plus, the fiance is played by Lumbergh of all people!

Where the Dead Are: For the second story we get an interesting premise, but it meanders about far too long and becomes boring. Some time after the Civil War, a guy named Dr. Ramsey performs surgery on a mysterious man who dies. This man had scars from injuries he couldn't have possibly survived which intrigues Ramsey to find the doctor that treated him. Heading off to a creepy island, Ramsey discovers the townsfolk here are being kept immortal by a doctor named Wheaton. It would appear Wheaton has discovered the literal cure for death, however, this has made the islanders evil as they never want to die and are dependent on this miracle cure. In fact, they have cut off Wheaton's legs so he can't escape. This reveal of the cut off legs was done poorly. This plot point bothered me since they make up an excuse for the cutoff legs at first when they could have easily said Wheaton was wheelchair-bound without explanation; it really took away the impact later.

Well, contrivances abound as Ramsey showed up just in time for this entire immortality scheme to come crumbling down. It actually kind of makes Ramsey's involvement irrelevant. In fact, it makes you question why that first guy even showed up at Ramsey's hospital considering the islanders want to be near Wheaton. What an oversight. Anyway, the islanders all die without this miracle cure, Wheaton dies, and we come to realize that Ramsey's love interest was also staying alive from this miraculous formula. In the end, Ramsey realizes that death is an important part of life that he must accept, and that people are better off never knowing what happened. Eh, this story would have been better had Ramsey set the events into motion rather than showing up at just the right time. I mean, had he showed up a week later everyone on the island probably would have been dead anyhow.

Having reviewed every episode of the original series for perspective, I can't imagine these tales would have been received any better if made during the show's initial run. Granted, the '60's budget limits could have led to changes for the better, but we will never know how they would have looked if filmed at that time. I do think hardcore fans should give this movie a view but keep the expectations in check. Casual viewers will probably be disappointed since this isn't even a true anthology movie.

Notable Moment: When Melissa is having burger time. Mmmmm...burger time...

Final Rating: 5.5/10

The Invisible Man (2020) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After escaping her controlling ex-boyfriend, a woman continues to be stalked by an invisible force.

Review: In essence, this interpretation of "The Invisible Man" is an expensive Lifetime movie. If that notion bothers you then this probably isn't the movie for you. However, this is an entertaining thriller in its own right. The acting is good from the players, and the scenarios that unfold work well. In fact, some of the scares allow this film to feasibly pass for a horror despite it's sci-fi grounding in reality and stalker plot line. Unfortunately, there are some glaring flaws that stop this from being anything spectacular.

So, first and foremost, forget everything about any other version of "The Invisible Man" or its source material from H.G. Wells. Here, the focus is on the titular character's girlfriend, Cecilia, played excellently by Elisabeth Moss; Ms. Moss brings a lot of emotion to the role which helps alleviate some tremendous story gaps. Cecilia's every movement and thought is controlled by her boyfriend who fakes his own death in order to stalk her freely with an invisible suit he's invented. This stalking is the core of the story as the boyfriend, Adrian, makes Cecilia look insane, ruins her relationships, and frames her for murder. Much of these events are depicted with such fluidity that it can turn the thriller elements into horrific scenes with precision effort. For example, when Cecilia's sister gets killed it happens so quickly and works perfectly to Adrian's desires. Pulling off the creepy elements is where this version shines most. Besides the acting and story beats, "The Invisible Man" succeeds with fantastic cinematography. This is highlighted the most with Adrian's dreamy house by the ocean; I like the way the music complements these moments as well.

Now I want to run down some of the serious flaws that I notice critics and audiences alike are ignoring. This movie is called "The Invisible Man" and we keep hearing over and over again about how horrible and evil Adrian is. Yeaaah...hearing about it. This is a visual medium for fuck's sake, show me Adrian's antics! We couldn't get flashbacks to these moments Cecilia discusses? There were ample scene transitions that could have worked like when Cecilia passed out at the job interview. I don't get it...this is a tale where the villain is as important or more important to establish than the hero. And after constant buildup--never showing the actual guy--we come face to face with this geeky dude who dies moments later? Whaaat? Why obscure his face then? Adrian should have been someone we loved to hate, yet, he's more of a ghost. Speaking of which...

No one suggests that he's a ghost or anything supernatural is happening? Just jump right to he invented a suit to become invisible? More so, why no debate on whether Cecilia truly was crazy? Ultimately, the ending is where things come off the rails; this movie did not know where to stop. Wouldn't it have been a perfect ending if it ended with the revelation that the invisible man was ONLY Adrian's brother? Imagine, you'd still have Cecilia insisting Adrian is out there, the audience would be left wondering too, and things would be a lot scarier not knowing for certain. Instead we get Adrian magically tying himself up in a wall and shenanigans with Cecilia getting a suit. So this guy had 3 suits? Or he just wasn't bothered by one going missing while he and his brother were both fucking with Cecilia? Pretty damn contrived when all problems could have been solved without Cecilia getting that Lifetime channel revenge at the end.

All things considered, this was a fun update to the classic story. While the two versions have almost nothing in common, I think this interpretation captures the scare-factor of the invisibility. I have no doubt that this film works best as rental material with its what-the-fuck moments to mess with casual audiences. However, looking deeper reveals a more shallow experience that takes too many cues from the Lifetime network and its cookie-cutter formula. Nevertheless, this is worth a watch without a doubt.

Notable Moment: The entire attic segment was great.

Final Rating: 6/10

The Phoenix Tapes '97 Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Found footage trash about a group of friends conveniently abducted by aliens one at a time.

Review: Let's be upfront: this is a complete waste of time. Oh, sure, this movie is barely an hour long, but it still managed to take me from fully awake to fully asleep. That's impressive in a way. There are essentially little to no redeeming qualities to speak of so let's address those first. The character banter somewhat feels believable. The general premise is intriguing regarding the real life phenomenon and mystery. The opening sequence makes you think this movie could be remotely entertaining. And that's about all there is for the positives.

Cliches abound as we see typical idiocy with characters running around and recording for no reason. The aliens, if we are to accept that, are weak and barely shown. More so, the aliens are implausible and stupid; they act like any other found footage creature who takes a character one at a time. Why couldn't the aliens simply abduct the group all at once? And why target these goofballs? I mean, these guys are in the middle of nowhere--did the aliens stumble upon them? Or was their plan to actually land in the middle of a fucking desert and pray there are people there to take? And how did that soldier come across those tapes? At least if they hinted that the creatures weren't actually aliens--or that the government knew of the incident outright--then we may have more to work with. This is already more thought than this movie deserves.

Overall, this is shit. Wasted potential with the material, nothing happens, and these are laughable aliens who would cross the vastness of space to abduct a couple of fuckers fishing in the middle of oblivion. If you are looking for a sleep-aid then this may be a useful alternative; otherwise, avoid this garbage at all costs.

Notable Moment: Honestly, the opening setup had me hopeful.

Final Rating: 3/10

Friday, January 31, 2020

The Turning (2020) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Pretentious filmmakers spew visual vomit that will waste 90 minutes of your life that you will never get back.

Review: There is shit, fucking shit, absolute fucking shit, and then there is "The Turning." I can say, without question, this is the worst movie I have ever watched theatrically. Thank god the AMC pass is mitigating the cost here or else I'd be ready to murder. I would have walked out had I known the movie would suddenly drop out right when a third act should have kicked in. "The Turning" is feasibly, like, half a film. What the hell happened?! This is like someone saw Chekhov's gun as a challenge of how many nonsensical plot tangents they could include that amount to nothing. We are beyond good and evil here...this is painting the Creation of Adam on the ceiling of your padded cell using only shit.

A nanny goes to stay at some haunted house with weird kids, a creepy maid or whatever, and seemingly ghosts. The filmmakers will then bombard you with a series of unconnected plot points that mean squat. We've got horses and one that won't obey anyone but the boy, a weird mannequin, paintings of the past, setting the film in the '90s, a crazy mom, dead parents, creepy objects all over the house, swans, spiders, and it goes on and on and on and on. If I had the stomach to re-watch this disgrace to cinema, I would love to count off how many times the camera focuses on something that never connects to the plot whatsoever. In fact, what fucking is the plot even? Scary shit is supposed to happen, RIGHT? Wrong. After dragging on endlessly--putting up with these stupid winks at the audience as if it means anything--we finally get an extremely lackluster ghost story that wraps up in about two minutes. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

So you thought this would be the end? Oh, no, no, no...everything we just saw wasn't real. The main chick is just imagining everything. Nothing is real...or is it? The main chick then wakes up in a bed and sees her mom's face--which we don't get to see--and screams horribly. THE END! Dear lord, help me. You can just feel that "what does it mean" pretentiousness coming through the screen. Truly painful. Just when the film is setting up the big reveal--that final payoff--we are supposed to get answers, but, instead, we are cheated out of a last act and treated to the most abrupt and random credit roll I may have ever seen. Rarely have I felt this cheated by a movie, and I've gone over some of the dumbest fucking shit known to cinema (just check some of my reviews).

My best guess--and this is already more effort than this movie deserves--is that it's all in the mom's head. Her paintings semi-correspond to the story unfolding, and she paints in an old pool which could connect to the whole drowning motif depicted. The mom paints Kate's portrait and envisions her doing the things we see. This could also explain why the film is set in the '90s as that may have been the last time the mom had a grasp on reality; time has stood still to her. As such, I believe Kate is how she sees herself--and maybe that was how she looked when young--which is why Kate screams when she sees the mom's face at the end; it's her coming to terms with the fact that they're the same person. If you follow this perspective I think we can almost fill in all the missing holes if we go super pretentious to match the filmmakers.

I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT waste your time or money on this travesty. You will be very angry by the time those credits slam into your face out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, I've covered worse movies, but you can't equally compare something like "Severed" or "Sleepaway Camp IV" to something with a real budget. "The Turning" has no excuse to be this bad, and do not even blame it on the source material; this is closer to the crackhead version of the original story. And now that this review is over, let us never dwell on this trash ever again.

Notable Moment: When the credits roll. I'm not trying to make a joke here--the suddenness of the film ending was probably the biggest twist you could imagine. Besides, third acts of a story are for pussies!

Final Rating: 3/10

Monday, January 27, 2020

The Boy (2016) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A nanny believes she will be taking care of a young child only to discover the parents treat a weird doll as if it is alive.

Review: Wowwee, this was laughably bad. Between all the eye-rolling, I was almost crying at one point from all the laughing. This is essentially a haunted doll movie where you find out the doll isn't actually haunted. Scary. While the reveal as to what's really happening in the story was presented well enough, that doesn't make things any less ludicrous. It's not even the atmosphere or scares that lack, it's just how stupid the flow of events are. I kept saying if the main chick's ex-boyfriend shows up I'm taking a full point off the rating, and guess who showed up? Goodness gracious.

So what the hell is happening in this shit? Greta is hired as some nanny for old geezers living in a giant mansion in the middle of nowhere. Greta believes she is supposed to take care of a kid named Brahms, but, instead, the son died and the parents have been treating some doll like the boy for decades. There are a ton of rules they want Greta to follow that easily hints at the twist to come. Probably the most egregious factor is that all the best scares--ones that would imply the doll is haunted--are all dreams. This seems to be a deliberate and cheap attempt to convince the audience that the doll is supernatural that way you will be more likely to be impressed by the last reveal. For me, this had the inverse reaction and was annoying; your best scenes shouldn't be dream sequences unless this is "Inception."

There is a point around the halfway mark where it felt like the filmmakers were running out of ideas. For one, when Greta is supposed to go on that date and her loverboy doesn't come into the house to find her, yet, every other instance with this character involves him entering on his own and often times for weak jumps scares. Painfully bad writing. Likewise, the film meanders about trying to make things seem creepy when it starts to get weird and sane people would just bail. Then, of course, once Greta's ex-boyfriend shows up I had become dizzy from all the eye-rolling. This guy followed her to a different country, found a house in the middle of nowhere, broke in, and started playing pool until she noticed him. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight! This fucking movie. And all this so the movie can have one kill in it! Eventually we realize the ridiculous truth that Brahms never died as a boy, and the parents do this shit with the doll because...wait, why? And did they build the mansion to have hollow walls before or after faking Brahms' death? And why did they fake his death...to cover up him killing that little girl? Did he even kill her? And the police were cool with never finding Brahms' body? What the fuck is this movie even about again?!

Needless to say, "The Boy" is a horrendous mess. I don't know where these high ratings are coming from, because this plain sucked. While the general premise held potential, the twist is hardly a payoff when it creates endless questions and makes little sense. The main characters make overly stupid decisions that go above and beyond the norm for horror, and that's not counting the many contrivances. The fake out dreams are merely the icing on the idiocy cake that were created only for the trailer's sake. Obviously others are enjoying this trash, but I do not see many merits to discuss. "The Boy" is competently made, but is a huge letdown and boggled down by numerous brain-dead decisions.

Notable Moment: When Greta stabs Brahms and is thrown across the room in slow motion. Dear lord, I was nearly brought to tears from all the laughing at this moronic scene. Rewinding it like 5 times didn't help either.

Final Rating: 4/10

Underwater (2020) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A mining crew working at the bottom of the Mariana Trench must contend with sea monsters as they escape to the surface.

Review: To put a few things into perspective: "Underwater" has bombed--hard--setting up all kinds of puns based on the title. A HUGE reason for this failure is using Kristen Stewart in what little marketing there was. Nobody wants to see her looking like a more manly version of Justin Bieber at the bottom of the ocean. I think what could have helped a little would have been to showcase more of Jessica Henwick in the marketing instead; she's more talented, beautiful, and audiences have noticed her popping up in all the big geek franchises like Star Wars, Game of Thrones, and the Marvel Netflix shows. Alas, we get Bieber instead. With that said, "Underwater" is a pretty damn good creature feature. Oh, sure, it feels like a ton of other things like "Leviathan," for example, which was already a derivative of "Alien." Yet, these similarities don't really matter since the tale of "Underwater" is entertaining and presented well. Ms. Stewart is surprisingly decent in this role, and the story offers up some fun set pieces.

First I want to acknowledge that so many plot synopses for this film list it as being about "a research crew." Okay, maybe some of the characters are researchers, but it's critical to the plot that this is a MINING operation. The premise is that something has been awakened by this mining, and that whole reactor powering everything is like a big ass plot point you can't ignore. Oh well. Moving along...the setup is pretty cool with most of the crew getting killed immediately by the immense ocean pressure after their base is compromised. The only way the few survivors can get out alive is to actually walk along the ocean floor to a different part of the base that is miles away. As you come to realize, the breaches to the base were caused by glorified sea monsters. You could say they're mermaid-esque but you can feel that xenomorph inspiration. Of course, the characters get picked off as they navigate the dark ocean floor while contending with obstacles and these creatures. I'll admit that the filmmakers do a good job with the pacing and the kills since you can't really tell when someone will bite the dust. I mean, when the one guy blows up from the pressure caught me off guard. After much struggle, the remaining characters come face to face with what can only be described as Cthulhu! Again, you knew there would be a giant monster of some sort, but the way they integrate the human-sized monsters with this big guy was interesting. The ending is typical Hollywood bullshit, yet, I'm glad my girl Ms. Henwick made it out alive.

What works here is the environment presented. It's dark, the characters can die to virtually anything, and they're facing overwhelming forces. This isn't original by any means, but the filmmakers capitalize on their setup and introduce many situations and obstacles that test the characters; hell, if the filmmakers can get me to care about Ms. Stewart's character after enduring her "acting" in "Twilight" then I have to show respect. Furthermore, the monsters are nothing special, but them being almost like fleas or minions or whatever to Cthulhu was a nice idea. Finally, I need to reiterate that Ms. Henwick was a major highlight and should have been cast as the lead.

As for the faults...one word: contrived. Most audiences will ignore these things, but I was getting slightly annoyed numerous times. Back to that reactor plot device...this is supposedly making the water warm enough that they can walk for miles without freezing? Maybe the suits had futuristic insulation. I'm okay with the monsters being super strong despite the crushing depth, however, I'm not okay with one coming into a climate controlled tunnel and being perfectly fine. How is it able to just shift between the pressure without dying? How is it breathing? This moment made me want to throw my popcorn. Yeah, it works as a cool scare with the flashing red light and the creature walking into it, but how is it even walking in the first place? Then there is the idea that Cthulhu is swimming around destroying everything, but is simply sitting by the last base until the main characters show up? Well that's awfully convenient. There are plenty more, like what food supply could possibly be sustaining these creatures, but I think you get the gist of the contrivances.

Despite the flaws, "Underwater" is a fun and entertaining movie that hits the right beats that you'd want from a creature feature; there are surprises, elaborate set pieces, and you get that big payoff by the end. Enhancing things are decent enough characters performed well by the players. The pacing is on point, and the music was solid too. The only real detriments are in regard to many ideas and situations feeling contrived, however, the average audience probably won't care about most of these details. While it's a shame that "Underwater" failed so spectacularly at the box office, it should make for great rental material without a doubt.

Notable Moment: When that Cthulhu monster appears. Fantastic introduction even if nonsensical that it would just be standing there doing nothing until the main characters approach.

Final Rating: 6.5/10