Annabelle Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After a bizarre and ritualistic attack, a family is tormented by a demonic force seemingly connected to a doll.

Review: Don't worry, I'll get back to reviewing Halloween horror films after this--just taking a minor detour. I really can't believe the plethora of negative reviews regarding this movie. While I'll be the first to admit this was not as good as "The Conjuring," and it was a tough act to follow, this film was still great in its own right. As a reviewer discussed on imdb, people seem to judge horror films unfairly these days with the notion of "it didn't scare me, therefore it sucks" mentality. This has been a persistent criticism for, at least, the past 15 years, and it's a stupid way to look at horror; like this reviewer mentioned, you don't watch a drama and say this wasn't dramatic enough or a kid's film wasn't kiddy enough. There are many aspects to horror to appreciate beyond the main elements of fear (like atmosphere, tension, suspense, etc.) which this film presented excellently. Why are these aspects overlooked so easily along with the awesome production values of what was an otherwise low-budget film? We know what is considered "scary" is a subjective concept, but "Annabelle" appeared to be much different than people thought it would be. For me, I'm glad the trailers were deceptive since it lowered my standards significantly. I was seriously worried this would be Chucky with a girl doll. While I love "Child's Play," "Annabelle" is on a whole different level of scares in comparison.

Let's take a look at what worked first. I do take into consideration the possible validity to the doll being possessed. I don't necessarily believe in the supernatural, but I am open to anything if there is enough proof. This movie is fiction, of course, but the real Annabelle doll is out there as we speak. This leads me to what the movie did the best: the demon. It's said the real doll is possessed by an especially malevolent demon biding its time to escape. Assuming this is true, it is interesting to imagine the circumstances that led to the demon inhabiting the doll. This movie tries to fill in those gaps, and I think they tell a decent story. The main characters are interesting, their plight is compelling, and I liked the '60s feel. Plus, Annabelle Wallis, playing Mia, is a mega-housewife-milf; but did they seriously cast her just because her name was Annabelle? Anyway, the demon looks fantastic! My god, this is how you properly use lighting to enhance an already awesome makeup design. Forget Darth Maul from "Insidious;" this is the kind of creature you truly imagine would be seething in the depths of hell. That scene where Annabelle stands up and you realize it's the demon picking her up--whoa--time to change your pants if that were real. And when Mia is trapped on the elevator...aaahhh! I don't know why people said all the scares were cheap, jump scares when there were plenty of atmospheric moments like this. Granted, there were jump scares, but I thought they were done well enough like that little Samara/Sadako wannabe running around. More so, what about when Mia seemingly beat her own baby to death? That wasn't disturbing in a primal way? I can't accept the criticism that the film wasn't scary, but I can accept that it wasn't the type of things that scare everyone. But, as you may have noticed, I am more scared of unstoppable forces than random humans who I could easily dispense with myself. Lastly, the look, production value, and cinematography are top-notch. The film looks gorgeous and that lighting is clutch. The primary usage of practical effects should also be mentioned as contributing to the aesthetics.

Okay, let's take a look at where the film falters and its flaws. By far, the weakest aspect for me was the ending. It doesn't even make sense if you think about it, it's lackluster and forced, and doesn't actually explain how the doll ended up at the thrift store; they were kind of like, "well, we can't beat a demon so...the end." I was totally on the edge of my seat and then it sort of ended out of the blue; the final shot of Annabelle herself was a nice touch though. Speaking of which, Annabelle surprisingly plays second fiddle. Yes, the demon is the star, since that is what is allegedly inside of the doll, but I expected more usage of the doll for scares. I can understand the parallels others make with films like "Insidious" and virtually every satanic-themed film out there. I would agree it is a fair assessment to say you have seen most of these scares before, BUT I would not agree that those films did them better; this is easily the best demon depicted thus far. Likewise, the story does contain a certain, by-the-books sensation as it progresses; this does hinder excitement a bit as you know what direction the story will go.

Forget the critics, judge this film for yourself, and consider its merits beyond whether or not it scared you. If you're going into this expecting "The Conjuring 2" or a female Chucky movie, you may be sorely disappointed. However, if you have researched the real Annabelle, and have an understanding of the manipulative demon that is said to reside within that unassuming-looking doll, this film puts a face to that evil. The story does have its problems, especially in regards to the ending and predictability, but it's not anything significantly detrimental to the overall experience. I greatly applaud the technical accomplishments and wish more horror films had this level of polish and sheen. I'm on the fence with recommending to run out to the cinema to see this, but "Annabelle" is a definite rent without a doubt.

Notable Moment: There are a lot of cool scenes, but the first time you see the demon lurking in the shadowy basement of the apartment complex is near perfect usage of lighting. And that's how you pull off intimidation in a villain. Uh oh--looks like you've got some competition, my dear Natre!

Final Rating: 7/10

The Pumpkin Karver Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After accidentally killing his sister's boyfriend the previous Halloween, a mentally unstable man finds himself at a party tormented by a mysterious killer.

Review: Not sure why they spell carver with a "K," but if you think this is "Mortal Kombat" that's your business. Most of the reviews I read were tearing this movie to shreds, but I didn't think it was all that bad. With a little polish, a few actor replacements, and more deaths, this could have been a cool film. In fact, if it weren't for the incoherent, yet predictable, ending, I would have gladly recommended this as a "Halloween" alternative. Sure, it has a lot of problems, and it's certainly no "Trick 'r Treat," but it is mildly entertaining in the right aspects while trying to build up a decent mystery; there was even a slight twist I didn't think they'd go with to which I must give extra credit. However, I have to mention the mindless confidence that they thought this would get a sequel. Never assume too much, people. There were multiple plot tangents introduced unnecessarily that indicated a possible sequel, and that's downright moronic in a situation like this. Or did they seriously think those loose ends added to the story?

So one Halloween, a guy named Jonathan is hanging out at home with his sister when her annoying boyfriend stops by; I cannot emphasize the levels of annoyance emanating from this piece of shit. The sister goes to get ready for their date, I guess, and the boyfriend appears to leave. Through shenanigans, the boyfriend sneaks back into the house to scare the sister until she cries out for help. Thinking the boyfriend is an intruder, Jonathan (thankfully) kills that idiot which, in turn, completely fucks up his mind. Then we skip to the following year as Jonathan and the sister are going to a Halloween party in the middle of oblivion. Johnny is clearly still unhinged from the incident, but the sister wants him to move on and intends to set him up on a date with Minka Kelly, playing a character named Tammy. Now, this isn't going to make sense, but hear me out for a second. Although Ms. Kelly isn't looking quite as sexy as in other films, she pulls off this dorky, girl next door vibe that suits her well and actually makes her appear more attractive; she even has a quirky personality and geeky voice. Hey, it works for me at least.

We are introduced to a lot of characters at once, which is a bit overwhelming, but they are mostly background fodder as opposed to the fuck up presented in "Hallow's Eve." The only important characters are some old man that claims to own the farm where this party is taking place and Tammy. Even though there is lame drama with Tammy's ex-boyfriend, that guy is barely in the movie. I think they did go about this in the wrong manner, but I suppose they were trying to offer up red herrings as to who the killer would be. But come on, it was really obvious who the killer would turn out to be. Anyway, Jonathan and Tammy hit it off well enough despite things moving too fast. Over the course of the night, there are stupid games and shit as people begin to be picked off. Unfortunately, the film introduced significantly more character than they killed, and that is a horror no-no. They also spread the deaths out too far when a bunch should have happened in succession toward the climax. Regardless, the deaths were interesting with the faces of the victims being carved up like pumpkins.

In between kills, we see Jonathan having visions along with antics from that old man I mentioned who tells the audience sheer nonsense. He speaks about pumpkin carving like it's some ancient art that no one appreciates. Dude, this isn't the secret to building the pyramids here...it's fucking pumpkins! Nice attempt at being Crazy Ralph's long lost cousin though. The old man mentions vague knowledge about Jonathan and that there's evil in him and whatever--bullshit about the carver legacy. This fact is coupled with Jonathan mentioning a mystery surrounding his father's disappearance. Look, sequel-baiting is never a good thing--especially in a movie that was arguably lucky enough to get a direct to DVD release.

As the night progresses, Johnny loses more of his marbles as people start to notice other characters disappearing. With the group splitting up idiotically, a Jar Jar level character is mercifully killed off in a ridiculous manner as well as that dumb ex-boyfriend. In that surprise twist I was talking about, they kill off Tammy. I know, I can't believe it! That kind of character always survives, or maybe dies in the final zinger, but not before the end. I have to give the film kudos for a ballsy and unexpected move like that. Plus, her face gets carved into a jack-o-lantern and it looks cool. The sister stumbles onto this scenario as we are led to believe the killer is the old man. Jonathan shows up, thinks the old man is possessed by the spirit of the sister's boyfriend, and kills the old man. This aspect is really confusing, but it should be abundantly clear that all the seemingly supernatural moments are in Johnny's head. In the end, Johnny finally snaps and you realize he was the killer all along. Gee...really?! My problem with a blatantly obvious killer is you have to properly do something to change the audience's mind or leave them alone as a red herring. "Scream" is one of the few slashers to do this correctly.

As you can probably tell, this film is a mixed bag for the most part. I completely understand why others trashed the quality of the film, but they don't know what true shit looks like. Yes, the acting is shaky (even from Ms. Kelly), the characters can be annoying as fuck, the body count is way too low, and the ending practically ruins the film. Not going to disagree with that. But there are positive things to consider. The pumpkin farm provided an appropriate setting, the carved faces on the victims was an interesting concept, and the sudden death of Tammy was a nice touch. Not to mention, there were quality babes besides Ms. Kelly. Although, this film probably would have benefited from pandering fan service; and don't think I didn't notice you, little kitten and girl scout cookie! To sum it up: this film isn't as bad as others make it out to be, but it's still not that good. But hey, when you trick or treat, not everyone is going to give out candy--sometimes you get a penny or an expired coupon for ice cream. Just roll with it.

Notable Moment: While it is fascinating to see a guy piss on his own decapitated head, I think I'm going to go with the two kids dressed up as Agents J and K from "Men in Black." That scene was great.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Ms. Kelly...a little pumpkin herself:

Halloween Night (2006) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: After escaping a mental institution, a deranged man returns to his childhood home to embark on a murder spree.

Review: Whoever wrote the wikipedia and imdb pages for this movie is either a complete imbecile or a trolling genius. Yeah...this movie is simply about the killer trying to prove his innocence. Good one. When I said I was going to scrape the bottom of the barrel for Halloween horror, I meant it! Imagine a movie completely comprised of ripoff moments from better horror films, and you have this movie. Come to think of it, most garbage being produced in the last 10-15 years has been excused by low-budgets, but the original "Halloween" was low-budget and look what it accomplished. The worst part of this film is definitely the killer himself. Despite having the superhuman strength to put his hand through an orderly's throat, and being a big guy, this idiot is beaten up by a skinny girl (badly), disarmed on two separate occasions, and taken hostage! HOSTAGE?! Wow...just wow. Can you imagine--say--Michael Myers taken hostage by some fodder character? The idea is so ludicrous it's hilarious to even consider it. Well, I must hand it to this film, it certainly made me laugh.

The film opens by fusing "Silent Night, Deadly Night" with "Halloween 4" by introducing us to our bitch boy killer as a child. The kid's mom is raped and killed by some masked goons who were hired by the dad to kill the mom...for whatever reason we never learn. When they shoot the mom in the head, the bullet goes through and hits a boiler that magically burns the kid horrifically. Riiiiight...because that would totally happen. They later explain the dad boarded up the mom's body in a wall and then the dad killed himself. I honestly don't know; the film is extremely vague on details. Maybe the kid killed the dad--who cares--but this leads to the kid being locked in a mental institution for years while also being the most over the top burn victim. The actor is clearly wearing a shitty mask, but I'll give them an A for effort. Seriously, the kid was not burned on his whole body, the burn wouldn't have been that bad, and even if it were, he would have undergone surgeries to look more normal. Nice try. Anyway, the orderlies conveniently torment the killer until he snaps and escapes. Way to ripoff the stupid "Halloween" remake! Hold on...(checks imdb)...this movie was made in 2006 and that godforsaken Rob Zombie piece of shit came out in 2007. Robby, you ripped this movie off?! THIS MOVIE?! I might have to go back and lower my rating even more.

Due to contrivances, a group of losers are having a Halloween party at the killer's house. The main loser has a prank planned that conveniently allows the killer to slip into the party unnoticed, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. First off, the main loser gives his girlfriend a necklace that, as you may easily guess, belonged to the killer's mom. I'm glad that was pointlessly hanging around--and that scene definitely wasn't completely forced. The killer is hanging out at a gas station (probably looking for a jumpsuit) when one of the losers show up just as they are preparing to get into costume. The killer takes the costume and the abundance of cornball weapons he, again, was conveniently carrying. I mean, what are the odds that a crazed killer obsessed with Halloween would escape on Halloween, run into a guy dressing up for a prank at that killer's very house, on the exact night a group are having a party at said house?! Sounds legit. The killer suddenly teaches himself how to drive a car through sheer willpower. Wait, are you honestly trying to take a shot at the original "Halloween" with that scene? Fuck you!

With the lame party underway, the killer shows up just in time for shenanigans. Although, didn't he kill like 3 people when he first walked in the door? No one noticed those dead bodies when leaving? I have to say, this party is utterly pathetic. It looks like someone panicked and threw it together in a couple hours. The costumes people wear are especially terrible as well. I mean, one asshole is wearing a paper plate for god's sake! Oh for the love of fuck. The only redeeming aspect was a random pirate girl, that shows up late, who was very attractive; I would have enjoyed a movie about her! Anyway, the prank plays out with the dumb hostage scene I was talking about. This entire sequence is too painful to explain, so let's move on. Once the killer is alone with a few losers, and realizes it was fake, he kills them in an attempt to make it back to the party. This killer loves slinking around like a fucking goofball too. The party is broken up by one, horribly acted cop as the remaining losers are sort of mad at the prank. The killer eventually picks everyone off but spares the girlfriend due to that dumb necklace and ties her up. Never would have seen that coming. Good lord, did the "Friday the 13th" remake rip this movie off too?! We then come to the scene when the killer tries to kill one of the better looking chicks and gets his ass kicked. He only narrowly survives this encounter; come the fuck on, man! There's something about the killer going apeshit and uncovering the mom's body from the wall followed by that girlfriend shooting the killer anticlimactically. When the cops are cleaning up, in a nearly unbearably acted scene, we realize the killer did a switcheroo with his body and the main loser's body. The movie ends with the killer escaping, wearing that fucking stupid paper plate mask, and conveniently being picked up by a passerby. Believe me, no one in their right mind would pick this guy up even if it were Halloween. Also, I like the cop's sunglasses appearing and disappearing between shots.

I know I'm technically rating this higher than "Hallow's Eve," but, in truth, I preferred that movie. This movie is overwhelmingly dumb and the ripoff moments are hard to tolerate; although, it is amusing to think this piece of shit inspired other movies! This killer is one of the worst I have ever had the misfortune to come across, and that's saying something. The acting is terrible, the story is weak, and there is a general sense of incompetence at every turn. With that said, the kills are not bad, the dialogue can, at times, feel believable and genuinely funny, and there was a fair amount of chickadees going topless (although none were really my type aside from pirate girl who remained clothed). Considering this film was made by "The Asylum" company, it isn't as bad as the rest of their abominations. Overall, this is a terrible movie, but it has its moments and straddles the so-bad-it's-good line to the point that I imagine others will enjoy the story.

Notable Moment: When the killer is taken hostage of course. New levels of idiocy were achieved with that feat. Congratulations.

Final Rating: 4/10

Random pirate girl: I think her name may have been Natalie Defay.