Sadako 3D Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Some bitch boy tries to resurrect the vengeful spirit of Sadako in order to exact revenge of some sort.

Review: I have never fully understood the shenanigans going on in the "Ringu" franchise outside of the more straightforward first entry. Well, if you were as confused as I was about what it was all supposed to mean, why was there more than one Sadako, what films were canon, where the fuck did Sadako actually come from, or just a general wonder about what the hell is going on, don't worry, because this film pretty much ignores all of that! This is technically the fifth entry in the franchise but third chronologically, thus, I suppose, the point of making it 3-D. Or did Japan simply want to capitalize on the annoying trend to make a film in 3-D? Regardless, the 3-D sucks ass. Not only is it far too spread out, but it's pretty much one of the same three shots: either Sadako's hand coming out of something, someone falling in slow motion, or glass flying also in slow motion. "But how is the movie, Ryan?!" Well, it sucks almost as much ass as the 3-D! Say what you will about the shitty sequels, but they were at least trying something with each of those; this was a pure cash-in. You know it's a bad sign when the plot is paper thin. Remember all those ripoffs of "Ringu" over the years? Well, this movie essentially just ripped off the ripoffs. Yeah, let that one sink in for a second. So some little bitch boy is mad because people made fun of his shitty art (aww boo fucking hoo). In response, he somehow figures out who Sadako was, and her backstory, and kind of just makes up his own way of resurrecting her in order to let her loose upon the world. So now instead of a video tape, Sadako's spirit is trapped within a video file of the emo bitch boy committing suicide. Hmm, suicide by Sadako...interesting. The movie keeps playing up this bitch boy as if he will somehow become relevant to the plot, but he never does. What we get is some loose understanding that Sadako wants an actual body to possess. Conveniently enough, our lead, Akane, has psychic powers similar to Sadako when she was alive. Akane is played by the lovely Satomi Ishihara who you may remember me mentioning in my review of "The Incite Mill." There is a meager attempt to contrast Sadako's turn to evil from her powers to Akane who uses her powers to help people, but it's fundamentally wasted. All the scenes that were meant to be dramatic, or give us depth on the characters, feel so shallow, boring, and/or flat out stupid. For example, Akane as a teen was planning on committing suicide because everyone hated her, but her boyfriend stopped her by pretty much just saying stop. And that's all it took! While all this is going on, two bumbling detectives are trying to uncover whatever dumb mystery there is to solve. This leads to one of the most ridiculous directions to a plot I have ever watched. After her boyfriend gets captured, somehow, by Sadako, Akane is convinced by the one detective to go to the well that Sadako was thrown in and stop her spirit. As soon as they get there, Sadako kills the detective and Akane takes off. Fuck, I mean what the hell was the point then?! So this is the great plan: show up, someone dies, then run away?! From here, Sadako multiplies into many grasshopper-esque monsters that look pifitul with shitty CGI. Plus, since when was Sadako an actual monster per se? She's supposed to be a ghost. Well whatever, after briefly delving into an action film as Akane fights her way through the horde, Sadako finally shows herself in her true form to try and merge with Akane. Amidst this nonsense, Akane's boyfriend breaks free and destroys the camera phone that is, presumably, containing Sadako's spirit. With this, Akane is freed and Sadako goes back to hell or Sadako-world or wherever. The end. Good lord this movie fails monumentally. There are virtually no scares; if you aren't scared of Sadako's hand coming out of a screen every ten minutes, then you have nothing to be afraid of. The story moves slowly despite more emphasis on action and leaves you feeling as if finishing the film is a chore. They pretty much did everything wrong you could do while still managing to alienate fans of the franchise. On the other hand, the film borders that sensitive line of so-bad-it's-good territory which is why I didn't rate this lower. I was laughing a lot during this shit, and I'd imagine many others would as well. In the end, it was entertaining enough to label mediocre and call it a night. You don't need to know almost anything about the other films to enjoy this entry, so there's that. But, I could not possibly recommend this film unless you have time to kill or are an actual fan of the franchise.

Notable Moment: When you see the ridiculously cheap-looking, CGI Sadakos running around. Did no one think this was a bad idea?

Final Rating: 5/10