Saturday, June 28, 2014
Asian School Girls Review
Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Abandon all hope ye who watches this shit.
Review: First off, it's schoolgirls, not school girls. Second, this movie is INSUFFERABLE! I know what you're thinking, "Ryan, I didn't know you were reviewing pornos now?" Yeah, I wish. This shit is on Netflix, and I was under the unforgivable delusion this was supposed to be something along the lines of "The Machine Girl." I figured, hey, Asian schoolgirls kicking ass--can't go wrong there, right? I don't think I have been more wrong in my entire life. Forget all the stupid movies I've been making fun of like "616: Paranormal Incident," "Yoga," and "The Haunted Dollhouse." As hard as it is to believe, this blows them all away! Only "Howling VII" is still worse in my eyes and at least that made me laugh. This film is beyond bad--it makes you feel gross, embarrassed, and ashamed to be a member of the human race. I don't care if this movie cost 5 bucks to make...it was too expensive. It really should be criminal to allow something this stupid to exist. And seriously, fucking Netflix, you get rid of "White: The Melody of the Curse" but add this? Are you fucking kidding me?! Rika won't even answer my prayers anymore after watching this! I'm sorry!
Oh shitty movie, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways. I often showcase some amazing Asian babes on this blog, but the chicks in this movie are busted up; only one could be considered remotely attractive. They really needed to lay off the clown makeup caked on or did they need it that badly? The tattoos weren't helping either. They also play into every Asian stereotype shamelessly in an overly fetishistic way as if to make you feel bad for watching it. Well, that is a special accomplishment...have to admit that. The girls are supposed to be under 18, hence the schoolgirl aspect, but they're so obviously in their twenties, or maybe even thirties, and look worn the fuck out. They wear Halloween costume uniforms or something you'd get from a sex-shop; I'm so sure your school would let you wear skirts that barely come past your ass. Plus, the makers are so idiotic that they showed a shot of the school with no one else wearing the uniforms. Guess it's a fashion choice, eh? The entire premise is that the girls get drugged and raped and then seek revenge. While this is nothing new from exploitation films, I wouldn't say this qualifies under that category. The gravity of the situation is never taken seriously and the girls act stupid in response. If you just got raped would you then dress all slutty and go work at a stripclub? And for alleged schoolgirl virgins, they sure know their way around the pole...with pierced nipples. Really? Really?! Come the fuck on. And yes, there is nudity, but it's so awkward and is not attractive. Believe me, stick to porn as you will just feel disgusted with yourself after watching this. I'm not sure why they have four girls on the poster because one kills herself after the rape. You'd think this too would be a serious subject but they show an upskirt shot right before she dies, and they kind of imply the only reason she felt compelled to kill herself was because her parents are mad she wasn't a virgin anymore. I don't have words to vent how ridiculously moronic that sounds. When the girls get revenge it comes off pitifully stupid, and I doubt even a misandrist would be amused. They spent all of one second supposedly learning to fight and yet these little girls are kicking big guys' asses with ease (horribly choreographed mind you)? I know I'm probably reaching to the stars with this complaint, but clearly there was no script supervisor on set as the clothes the girls are wearing keeps changing between scenes; it is painfully obvious too. At the end, a cop actually offers them a job to work with him which I guess makes sense considering he was willing to potentially lose his job to help them get revenge. Sounds reasonable. There are just too many stupid moments it's giving me a headache thinking about it.
I think it goes without saying that the acting is HORRENDOUS, the action is laughable, the effects are terrible, everything looks cheap, the music hurts my ears, endless contrivances, plot holes, idiocy run rampant, and the story is implausible and not thought out for shit. Essentially, everything that can go wrong, went wrong. This movie fails in all conceivable respects. Honestly, a porno would have had higher standards than this. I don't know what else to say. This is just a flat out insult to Asian girls everywhere. Do NOT, under any circumstances, waste a second of your life watching this shit! I cannot stress that advice enough. If anyone you know claims to like this movie, immediately punch them in the face as a reflex...and an extra punch for me. This is easily worthy of a position on my top 10--no, top 5--worst movies I have ever watched list. Everyone involved with the production of this film should be ashamed of themselves.
Notable Moment: Probably the lesbian scene. Not because it was hot or anything...but because it was the moment I officially became homicidal from the overwhelming levels of stupidity. I am so flustered with anger I feel like Mrs. White in "Clue."
Final Rating: 1.5/10