Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: A team of imbeciles explore the Florida everglades as antics ensue.
Review: If you recall back to my reviews for the "Bloody Murder" movies I mentioned that they were a part of an 8-pack. Well, this is another piece of shit from that collection. Needless to say, I can only tolerate one of these entries a month...if that. At that rate, we will see if I can get through the whole set by Christmas! It will probably take the casual viewer all of ten seconds to realize this movie will be shitacular. Seriously, where do these movies come from? In all fairness, this was about as terrible as I expected, but the production value is embarrassingly low. If they had a somewhat respectable look, and real actors, I think this could have, maybe, passed for an episode of a kid's horror show. The only problem with that approach was that they tried desperately to compensate with gratuitous amounts of below average, naked chicks. Blehhh...
The story is pretty much a cross between "Congo" and "Anacondas" minus all the fun. A crew of flunkies are killed looking for the fountain of youth which leads to another stupid crew to search for it next. Of course there is some rich dude who sponsored the first expedition but didn't tell the second group until they are in deep shit. They go to Florida, of all idiotic places, to search for this fountain of youth allegedly guarded by a monster. Surprise, the monster looks laughable--an inarticulate latex suit not even worthy of "Power Rangers." The idiots all die pathetically--most trying to mindlessly fuck right before they bite the big one. Speaking of such moronic behavior, these dorks are the least prepared "professionals" I could imagine. Tube tops, thongs, calling a magazine a clip, no apparent food or tools, etc. Yeeeeaah...because the everglades are a Sunday picnic in the woods. Something that was driving me insane--and made me think of a kid's show--was the ridiculous inclusion of specific music for the lighthearted moments. Ughh. By the end it is revealed that the fountain of youth is real and looks to be nothing more than a little stream. There are apparently multiple monsters who kill everyone until some Spanish explorer deus ex machinas them all to safety. Right. And you did not just ripoff the ending to "Predator 2?!" Plus, they imply that this Spanish dude has been living there since the 1500s yet he, and his flunkies, disappear like ghosts? Whaaaaat? Worse yet, they try to sequel-bait in the final shot. Wow...that's a good one!
Obviously this movie is utter shit. The effects are terrible, the monster(s) looks horrendous, the story is a cheap ripoff, the acting is atrocious, the chicks are busted up, the characters are all idiotic, and the ending is implausibly stupid. Despite all of this, the overall feeling is simply a big pile of meh. Realistically, if this had a real budget, I can see trash of this caliber at least being a 4.5/10. At the same time, if they had changed things up, this could have been a half-assed episode of "The Haunting Hour" or something. I don't know...I expected nothing and that's what I got so I can't say I was disappointed. Take that however you wish. All things considered, this is essentially as stupid as you would imagine--no more, no less.
Notable Moment: When the one guy delivers the titular line in the most forced manner possible. He even hesitates slightly as if to wink at the audience. Fuck you!
Final Rating: 3/10
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