Thursday, July 13, 2017

The Sandlot 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A disgraceful "sequel" that doesn't deserve to exist.

Review:! Can't think straight. Must...destroy...every copy of "The Sandlot 2" in the world. My goodness gracious, who came up with this absolute garbage?! Everyone--and I mean EVERYONE--involved in this production should be completely ashamed of themselves. Rarely, if ever, have I had to say this: this movie is completely soulless. No one wanted this...this grotesque tumor attaching itself to the name and legacy of "The Sandlot." ARGH! Yeah, yeah, sure, movies like "Howling 7," "Severed," and "Asian School Girls" are worse--technically--but they weren't ruining childhood classics. The existence of this film 100% confirms we are in the worst timeline!

So what the fuck is happening here?! In essence, someone was triggered by the "you play ball like a girl" line and decided to retell the original's plot but with some female characters. NOICE! Oh Rika...give me strength to describe the plot. (Long sigh) Soooo, it's 10 years after the original and Smalls pulled a little brother out of his ass...also called Smalls in the film...and makes friends of his own at the sandlot. This moronic incarnation of Smalls talks like fucking Marcie from Peanuts so I'm going to refer to him by that name instead. Apparently, Marcie is really into rockets and somehow blows up the dugout of the sandlot which is repaired by some girls or something (it's kind of a blur in my mind at this point). The boys that play on the sandlot don't even seem like kids who'd play baseball and there are only 5 of them which makes the entire starting premise nonsensical. On top of that, no one talks about baseball nor appears to be very good at it despite the film's feeble attempts to claim otherwise. Anyway...Marcie and the girls team up with these boys to form a makeshift team so they can beat some little league. I don't know! Then they have to deal with the Beast's son who is pretty much the same damn doggie except with a coat change. Marcie accidentally launches an experimental space shuttle that lands on the other side of the fence with the godforsaken doggie. Shenanigans unfold as the kids try to get the shuttle back, resulting in a climactic chase between our wannabe Benny and the doggie. The film ends exactly as the original did except dumber. Pretty much everything in this film is a derivative of part 1's material but done in a disrespectful and insulting manner.

Needless to say, "The Sandlot 2" is tonally, thematically, and stylistically inferior at mimicking the original. There is no originality or moving forward of the story that would classify this as a legitimate sequel. Instead, story beats are simply recreated with entire lines of dialogue repeated in the exact same context as the original. They even had a wannabe Wendy Peffercorn kissing scene somehow forced into the story. As stated, the film lacks any soul with laughable acting and zero character development. Instead of cheering on the kids I just wanted to kill them, slowly, with my bare hands. Oh, wow, amazing, you added some chicks...big whoop. The original quite easily established the skill level of the cast by showing them in action and demonstrating that they lived and breathed baseball. These kids are simply stated to be amazing and yet never once would that make sense given how little focus there is on baseball. Honestly, I could list a thousand things wrong with this film and still not be done, but it's incredibly hard to focus when all you can think about is smashing everything around you just to vent the anger that this travesty to cinema induces. I knew I was going to hate this piece of shit when the one chick threw a ball so fast the wannabe Porter couldn't even see it. Yeaaaaah...okaaaaay. Ugh. I need to get back to the Berenstein universe...

Notable Moment: When we are suddenly introduced to an alien-looking kid nicknamed "the retriever." Sure, they showed the kid a few times, but his appearance and immediate disappearance is so far beyond moronic that it has created an entirely new classification of shitacular.

Final Rating: 2.5/10

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