Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Antics ensue as a workaholic father attempts to find a rare toy for his stupid son on Christmas Eve.
Review: Seriously Arnie? A Christmas movie? That's like doing a movie where you get pregnant...oh wait. I guess this could be considered the scariest Christmas movie I cover this season depending on your point of view. It's safe to say this film is universally hated, but I have a certain soft spot in my heart for it in the same manner as a piece of shit like "Batman & Robin;" it honestly becomes funnier to me each time I watch it. I'm even willing to admit I bought this on VHS back in the day, because that's just how I roll. But is it really as bad as people make it out to be? Well...yes and no. I think people have missed the point, that this film is heavily anti-consumerism, to such a degree that I've read reviews claiming this movie promotes mindless materialism; did we watch the same movie? The other thing I like is that it satirizes a lot of trends from the '90s that sort of slipped under the radar. On the other hand, the acting is atrocious beyond imagination (it's pretty bad when Arnie is out-acting the majority of the cast), and the jokes are especially childish, stupid, and cliched as all hell.
Okay, I'm not advocating that this film is good in any way, I'm simply saying that there are good qualities that are overlooked due to the overwhelming stupidity throughout the film solidified by the terrible acting. First off, this is pretty much the only movie I know of that satirizes the "toy of the year" phenomenon. For those oblivious to this ungodly practice, every year there is some hot toy that everyone is trying to get, but the quantity does not match the demand and all manner of shenanigans ensue with the general public. Sometimes it is somewhat warranted, with the case of various video game systems or cooler toys, but then there are those times where kids only want the stupid toys because other people have them like fucking Furby or molest-me Elmos. In this film they are using "Power Rangers" as their inspiration, which would make sense given that this film was made in '96, and the toy in question is called "Turbo-Man." It really irks me that they keep referring to the toy as a "doll." Seriously, what little boy would go around saying they play with dolls? When I was a kid, you got your ass kicked for such things unless it was a Chucky doll. Anyway, the focus of the story is demonstrating how crazy individuals become in the pursuit of these sought after toys. While things do go a bit overboard in the zany antics department, this film does present a decent look at how commercialized the Christmas season has become with a few jabs at society. There is even an underlying notion that the only way to prove your love as a parent is to give your brats the shit they want, but in the end the film shows that there is more to the parent-child relationship than material gain. Well, maybe I'm drawing more depth out of this film than it deserves, but it was trying to convey this idea I promise.
As for why this movie has such a reputation for sucking, there are reasons aplenty. The cast flat out sucks. Even actors who typically aren't that bad are showcasing embarrassing performances. I wasn't even exaggerating when I said Arnie was one of the best actors here; take that however you wish. Some lines are delivered so poorly it's like they took one take and said, "eh, good enough." But even if the actors brought any kind of conviction to their roles it would still be impossible to make the childish tone more appealing. But oddly enough, I know this is supposed to be a kid's movie, but when you throw in a divorce subplot, the notion of "going postal," creepy jokes and situations, and pretty much admitting there's no santa, are the kiddies even going to watch this? As for Arnie fans, when he's delivering lines like this: "I mean you thought for a minute I would not do something you tell me?" it's hard to imagine the same guy taking on the Predator, T-1000, and Lucifer. Who the hell wrote that total bitch line anyway?! And what's up with that androgynous kid Arnie chases in one of the most pedo-riffic scenes imaginable? And come on, Arnie uppercuts a reindeer! Good lord. But you know, the scenes are so idiotic and over the top, it starts to get to you upon each viewing; you start to appreciate a certain charm to it all that transforms the film into so-bad-it's-good territory. Now when I watch this movie, I no longer cringe with anger but instead laugh at the one-liners and weird nuances.
Although this film has garnered a lot of hate, and rightfully so, it's nowhere near as bad as critics make it out to be. If you grew up in the '90s, or were a parent then, I'm sure you will appreciate this film all the more as it makes light of the over-indulgence of that era. Sure, the acting is laughable, the dialogue is horrendous, and the jokes fall flat more than they succeed, but it is so bad it's good if you can appreciate the stupidity. Plus, what were people really expecting from a family film with Arnie?
Notable Moment: When Arnie is screaming about, "PUT THAT COOKIE DOWN!!!" There always has to be one-liners in these movies and that's my favorite.
Final Rating: 5.5/10
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