Slugs Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Mutated slugs terrorize a town as hilarity and zany antics ensue.

Review: I still remember seeing this as a kid, and I hated it then; needless to say, I hate it even more as an adult. However, if you ignore its monumental failure to be a horror film, you can alternatively view "Slugs" as comedic gold. And god damn, is there any creature on Earth that hasn't had a monster movie based around them yet? And this is a book adaptation to boot--can't wait to get my hands on that page-turner. This inspires me to write my own monster movie called "Panda-monium." A new fertilizer for bamboo has the unexpected side effect of creating giant, mutated pandas! China is so fucked (that's the tagline). Syfy channel...huh, what do you say?

To start things off we have a random dude getting pulled into the water by jaws or, I guess, the slugs. Now that that's out of the way, let's never talk about that guy again or the girl he was with ever say jackshit. You know this is going to be a sweet ass movie when the first major death is some old man laying on a sofa. Hey, it's his own fault for laying on the slugs who were trying to get comfy. Nice of him to lie there and take it without any struggle whatsoever so that the next day his body is in the exact position he originally laid in. Also convenient for the slugs to flee the crime scene without a single one being squished by the guy or lingering for shits and giggles. I mean, we can't have physical evidence this early on now can we? Well, don't worry, because we've got Mike Brady on the case...Mike Brady, eh? Maybe it's me, but this whole beginning feels like another god awful movie, "Squirm." Later, some sewer worker investigates a clogged pipe and when something pulls back inside a pipe and steals his crowbar-thingy, he walks away and never mentions it. Cool, what's next? Oh yes, you have to introduce the background fodder so I will care even less when they die. Speaking of which, here's an old couple! One of the slugs gets in the old man's glove and for some reason he doesn't feel it until it bites him. Apparently he feels it's better to cut off his hand rather than to get the slug off and pretty much kills himself with some next level "Final Destination" shit; through shenanigans he and grandma blow themselves up. Psh, that'll teach you to be old.

Who's next? Oh yeah, random couple we met earlier, what are they up to? Yummy slug dinner. Uh oh, somethings not right with the guy...we'll come back to him later. In the meantime, let the anticipation build. Here we go, the town ho and town douche are about to screw. The slugs get jealous that all the chicks in this film are as oogly as they are so they kill that ho and the douche kind of says, "fuck living," and lets himself get eaten. At this point Mike Brady is beginning to think there's more to this slug business which will become funny later on. That guy that had the slug dinner is feeling like shit and his face decides to burst out worms. I thought this movie was about slugs, fool? Apparently the slugs have worms in them that also became mutated. Well that explanation was sexy enough for me to accept. Finally that sewer worker thinks there's mutant slugs too, and Mike Brady does a 180 and doesn't believe it. Did they screw up the character dialogue in the script?! Thank god, we are introduced to the real villain of the film: some random town government douche. After trying his best to look like Leslie Nielsen, he scoffs at the notion of mutant slugs who hear this and decide to kill him out of principle. Okay, now we meet the real villain of the film: the mayor...who we never see again; well at least he was introduced, you have to admit that. Aww yes, it's Halloween night. I hate how some movies just arbitrarily throw around Halloween, but thankfully slugs made it crucial to the plot with the slugs trick'r'treating. Mike Brady gets his scientist friend to create a chemical that will kill the slugs and they get sewer man to help them out in finding the slug nest to disperse the chemical. Oh, I forgot to mention that the whole reason why this is happening is because there was a toxic waste dump that spilled into the sewers or something like that. Some bitch has the audacity to turn down a guy and not want to get raped. Unbelievable! Slugs...please kill her. Thank you! Back to Mike Brady, he and sewer man go through the tunnels and magically figure out where the nest is. Sewer man thinks he's a hero or something and falls into the nest like a fucking idiot. Mike Brady survives because he's Mike Brady, and they pour the chemical into the water and it seems like the whole town blows up. Who cares though, the slugs are in hell where they belong. But wait, one slug lived...and all the ones that wouldn't have been in the sewers...and the ones we clearly saw not using the sewers like in Mike's own garden...oh and the eggs we saw growing on plants...oh and the ones that must be in the food as shown by the guy who ate one. But you see, those don't matter, just that one matters.

Okay, in all fairness, the deaths weren't too bad and I was laughing a lot, but that's about the only thing going for this movie. The main detractors, off the top of my head, are: wannabe "Dark Shadows" music, pathetic voice dubbing, terrible acting, pointless side characters out of nowhere, monstrous women in lingerie, wasting Halloween as a tacked on plot device, inconsistencies, endless contrivances, showing a pizza box without showing the pizza, cliches, zany antics, stupidity, throwaway plotlines, script in a blender vibe, and not having the rest of the Brady Bunch. I can't lie, I was having fun watching this, but for all the wrong reasons. I guess this measured up to my memory as a kid. It's corny and lame, but I know many horror fans appreciate this.

Notable Moment: When the one kiss ass girl gets killed at the last minute. So unnecessary and inconsequential to the climax. Plus, you have to love the movie's morality...yeah, that'll teach you to try and avoid getting raped. You die, bitch!

Final Rating: 3.5/10 (8.5/10 for comedy)