Ring 0: Birthday Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The adventures of Sadako trying to be an actress...what could possibly go wrong?

Review: Birthday, huh? What birthday?! I can see it now...Sadako crawling out of her well to eat some cake and hit the pinata. You've got Kayako, Natre, the slit-mouthed woman, and that freak from "Rattle Rattle" all cheering Sadako on. Wouldn't that be nice? Suffice it to say, there is no birthday in this movie nor any reference to why the title would be as such. Instead, we get an awkward, romantic drama as a prequel to, what many believe is, the scariest movie ever. How the hell do you screw this up? In fact, the reviews for this film perfectly illustrate why I don't take the English-speaking fanbase seriously anymore. Check out imdb with people claiming that, not only is this film scary, but it might be the best and scariest of the whole franchise! That's laughably absurd, but the coke they're snorting must be phenomenal. While part two was boggled down by a convoluted plot, it at least attempted to be scary. This entry decided to bitch it up (need to start saying that more) and make Sadako a sympathetic character who wants to find love just like all of us! Aww...so sweet. This might have even worked, on some level, had the movie at least made sense...but it doesn't. In the process, they also fuck up the continuity; I think now we can understand why there wasn't a sequel made for over a decade after this.

So where did they go horribly wrong? The most glaring problem is that, I swear, every single character's thoughts, motivations, and actions are contrived beyond comprehension. No one does anything logically but only because the script demands it; it's bad writing at its finest. For example, Sadako loves some dude and he loves her...why? They share so little dialogue together, and, when they do, it is usually a couple of words like "are you okay?" And I love the longing stares, but that can't be the only damn thing between them! I kept wondering why am I supposed to believe this is some next level, across time and space, eternal love bullshit? The movie sure doesn't give you a reason to be invested with the story. Good thing they dropped the plot line, from the books, about Sadako being a hermaphrodite or else that cherry popping would have been AWKWARD. But the contrived nature of it all isn't confined to just the main characters. All the background characters draw conclusions and figure shit out magically. Like they keep saying things have changed since Sadako showed up...uhh, how? This is a visual medium, son, show us how things have changed! This entire movie is riddled with these situations as they attempt to pathetically make Sadako out to be a tragic character of some sort.

You may find yourself enjoying the romance--somehow--but you think things stop there? Hell no! They decide to introduce the notion that there are two Sadakos: one bad and one good. Riiiight. The main girl we see is the good Sadako and the little girl version is the bad one. Despite the fact that the little girl version is trapped in an attic, she can magically kill people while the good Sadako can heal people. Oh goodness gracious...this is the fucking "Exorcist II" equivalent of this franchise! You think the shenanigans stop there? We also have to contend with a dumbass reporter who wants revenge against Sadako for apparently killing her fiance. Don't even get me started on Sadako going all Carrie White when she's at that play. How did Reiko not discover any of this during her research on Sadako? Hmm. By the end, somehow the two Sadakos have merged and that's supposedly why the ghost version is evil. Wait a minute, what was the point of introducing the notion of two Sadakos if you're going to merge them only minutes later? Oh, right, so that you can have the plot of this movie to begin with. If you're wondering how the hell could a story this ridiculous lead to Sadako being thrown down the well by that doctor from part one...it's contrived, of course! But...uhhh...if the evil Sadako can seemingly teleport why can't she get out of the well?

It may sound like I'm being extremely harsh on this film, but it's not that bad per se. If it were some kind of stand alone film unrelated to the "Ring" franchise, it could have worked to a degree. The actress playing Sadako, Yukie Nakama, is kind of cute--a little too cute to be Sadako really--and she does a decent job with the material. The cinematography was a step up over part two, and the drama is okay for what it is. But I can't simply ignore that this is supposed to be a "Ring" entry, and, therefore, it fails miserably--especially in regards to being a horror movie; there are virtually no scares to be found. The contrivances are the main detriment to the film, however, since they are practically at every turn in the story. You can choose to ignore them if it helps, but, if I'm supposed to be touched by a romance, it would be nice if the characters shared moments together that made me understand why they felt the way they do. Not just: stare, stare, are you okay, stare, stare, I love you, stare, stare, dead. Still a better love story than "Twilight" though, am I right? Right? That meme is dead? Fuck. And if you thought the shenanigans were over with this entry, oh baby, there are plenty to come.

Notable Moment: At the end when we see the Sadako form we all know and love. Though...was the electric slide and, seemingly, breakdancing supposed to be scary?!

Final Rating: 5/10