The Ring Two Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Samara is back, I guess, to do...something...or whatever her plan was supposed to be.

Review: Going from the best entry in this franchise to its worst--I present "The Ring Two." I once vowed to never watch this piece of shit ever again, so this is going to be the last time I swear. I'd rather watch "Rasen" on loop for seven days straight while trapped in a well before watching this again. What on earth were they thinking?! Okay, before I get ahead of myself, I want to address two things: the first is that there was a short film called "Rings" that was released shortly before this movie hit theaters. "Rings" establishes how the cursed tape spread as a kind of drug for teens as they saw Samara's visions as a new high. The ending of this short leads directly to the opening of this movie whereby a kid is trying desperately to make someone watch his copy before his seven days are up. Although you get the gist of what was probably happening without watching this short, it would have been better had more people watched it. At the same time, the short is significantly better than "The Ring Two." The second thing I wanted to mention is that they are planning to release another entry in this franchise annoyingly called "Rings." You really couldn't think up a different title? That is going to make discussing the short a pain in the ass. And where is there to go with the material? Ughhhh....

So what makes this the worst entry in the series? Simple--it's beyond stupid. Other than decent cinematography, the returning soundtrack, a few cool scares, and moderate acting, this film fails epically. I knew something was amiss when Daveigh Chase didn't want to come back as Samara; I think they claimed she was too big now but nice try. Besides sucking ass, the problems are further exacerbated by its comparison to how amazing "The Ring" was! This makes the experience that much more noticeably shitty and lackluster. The most glaring offense is the nonsensical story. Let me get this straight--Samara is mad Rachel destroys her (apparent) last cursed tape. This makes Samara decide she will possess Aidan magically and suddenly develop mommy issues simultaneously. Once possessing Aidan, Samara's game plan switches to watching cartoons for the rest of their lives since she can't sleep. O...k...ay? I like how Samara keeps saying Samara-like phrases as if Rachel will neeeeever suspect something is wrong. Rachel meets Samara's real mom who reveals that the only way to free Aidan is to drown him as Samara's one weakness is conveniently water. HUH?! So she's an alien from "Signs" now? After drowning Aidan, which doesn't kill him somehow, Rachel goes into Samara-land where she shuts the lid on the well...and that traps Samara...I guess. The end?! Whaaaaat?

Seriously, how is Samara's weakness water? Whenever she appears, water is everywhere. If anything, it has become intertwined with her own psychic abilities not the reverse. And what exactly are they trying to say is Samara's origin? My best guess was Samara was an already existing evil spirit that possessed some lady's baby. Besides that being retarded, and not making sense, why would Samara look like Samara in general? If Samara possessing Aidan still looks like Samara in photos, shouldn't pictures of Samara look like whatever the hell she was before possessing the baby "Samara?" Hell, if they wanted to have some fun with this shit, they should have said Samara's mother was Sadako! Or do something with the 67+ miscarriages plot line regarding Anna Morgan. Now deer freak out around Samara like she's the antichrist? Hello, you dumb fucks, the plot line with the horses was that Samara was killing them as her way of hurting her father for loving them more than her...not that she hates animals! Plus, the CGI on the deer looked like horseshit (see what I did there? Heeee!). If all this weren't bad enough, Samara looks lame due to fast motion and inferior CGI to the first film. Finally, if Samara can arbitrarily possess someone, why is she messing around with VHS tapes in the first place? Doesn't this plot line essentially defeat the purpose of the franchise?

And now some random things I hated. What's up with that chickadee at the beginning? So if you cover your eyes while the cursed tape is playing it can't hurt you? Uhhhh no. Way to dodge everything with Noah's death by mentioning him like, what, one time? I can't believe they thought they could add a new love interest. Oh man, that's a good one. Mercifully that was deleted for the most part. I also like how that asshole's house gets flooded and he doesn't bat an eye. How was there only one cursed tape left at this point? "Rings" gave the implication like this was a whole underground movement. And really, Lumbergh is in this movie?! SAY HELLO TO LUMBERGH FOR ME!!! Speaking of which, Lumbergh is the realtor for a house on an island where we've already established everybody knows everyone. So why is this jackass lying to Rachel? Who cares though, we've got to go down to the convenient basement to find the contrivances we're looking for! That part at the beginning, with Rachel pathetically foreshadowing going into Aidan's dream, was embarrassingly moronic. Lastly, Rachel's one-liner at the end is the cherry on top of a pile of shit. It made me laugh for all the wrong reasons.

I HATE this movie. It actually starts off halfway decent until you see Samara crawl out of the well; way to completely cheapen the impact of the first film. From that point forward, this movie is a disaster in every regard. The story is total trash and makes absolutely no sense. They ruin the Samara character, and her origin story was pointlessly vague in, what I'm sure was, an attempt to sequel-bait. Although the look and feel of the film is still strong, technical aspects alone cannot salvage this mess. And what a way to end this franchise out--on a terrible note. Technically the "Sadako 3D" movies were made afterward, but I'm still holding out for my porno version, "Sadako 3DD." To sum it up: only watch "Ring" and "The Ring." If you want just a slight taste more, maybe humor "The Ring Virus," but avoid the rest of the series that's for sure.

Notable Moment: "I'm not your fucking mommy!" Oh, good lord...

Final Rating: 4/10