Extraterrestrial (2014) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Drunk off his ass, ET crashes his ship after Elliot dumps him and decides to go on a killing spree.

Review: I think this movie just anally probed my brain. How in hell was this made by the same guys who did "Grave Encounters?!" My god...this film was torturous to the very core of my being. The flow of events are exactly how you imagine a little kid trying to tell a story. "...and then this happens, and then this happens, oh and this happens, oh and then these people do this, OH and then this happens..." Aaaagggghhhh! The fuck, man...really? There's a phenomenon in terrible movies I've rarely covered so far, and it's present here once more. That phenomenon being the snowball effect--whereby each scene manages to be even more idiotic than the previous one in an exponential path to oblivion. Essentially, you start off with an eye roll, this turns into a nervous laugh, you quickly follow up with a "come the fuck on," only to stew in your own silent sulking, which leads to bitter anger, and, finally, acceptance that you are watching a shamefully horrendous film. Enjoy.

Was this meant to be satire or something? Like...were they tripping on LSD after watching "Fire in the Sky" and "Cabin in the Woods" on the same night? The film begins by showing some random girl get abducted which makes you think this movie could be cool. How wrong you would be. We are then introduced to the annoying as fuck main characters that drive a man homicidal. Although one dude looks like a hardcore, hipster douche, they all look like shit and the main girl has permanent grandma-face. I think it goes without saying that there are contrivances and cliches at every turn. After a failed marriage proposal (aka dodging a bullet), the group of flunkies notice an alien ship crash and decide to investigate. ET decides to walk this crash off, because he's a badass with that glowing finger. When trying to phone home, ET is shot by the flunkies inconsiderately. Spielberg somehow gets wind of this shit and sends in backup to help ET. One of the dumber flunkies decides she wants Scotty to beam her up and takes it like a champ. The flunkies seek help from Michael Ironside who is just trying to grow pot in the woods; why do I get the sneaking suspicion they merely stumbled upon him while filming? He thankfully knows exactly what's going on--the world governments have a peace treaty with the aliens and the flunkies just broke it! Oh noes, say it ain't so? Really? That's what we're going with? A fucking peace treaty?! It doesn't matter, because ET shows up and says, "see you at the party, Richter," and that's the end of Mr. Ironside.

While all this has been going on, we have been getting the drama of the town sheriff who thinks his wife was abducted by aliens. Honestly, the movie gives me the impression that the aliens are simply barbequing aboard the ships--what with the slabs of bacon they remove from piggies and the beef from cows. Anyway, the sheriff finds the flunkies and arrests them for being idiots. ET shows up and uses his newly discovered psychic powers to stop a car and make the sheriff kill his partner and then blow his own head off. Well, I'm glad we spent so much time building that character up. The aliens tire of these games and decide to shake the cabin with a glowing light, because that's cool, right? Hipster gets abducted and loses an arm for thinking he's clever. Proposal Reject decides he wants to take a shower with an alien, but he ends up admiring himself in the mirror too much so ET abducts him. Another dumbass commits suicide while Grandma is left alone by the aliens, because they've had enough with the geriatric community. Pissed that she didn't get in on the anal probe action, Grandma starts shooting fireworks at the aliens who say, "fine, welcome aboard, bitch!" The interior of ET's ship is a straight ripoff of "Fire in the Sky" except they threw in a little bit of "The Matrix" to spice it up. If that weren't enough, they decided to add that bellybutton robot from "The Matrix" as well. Hipster gets anally probed--not even joking--because that's just what ET does for kicks. Grandma manages to track down Proposal Reject and she says she would marry him now that she learned there is life out there in the universe. Huh...you know, that may be one of the absolute dumbest things I've ever heard. ET is so moved by this confession of love, and remembering his times with Elliot, he decides to return the two lovebirds back to earth. Unfortunately, the US military doesn't care much for romance and shoots the lovebirds. A wannabe cancer man from "The X-Files" says burn the bodies and that's the end. Aww, what a heartwarming conclusion to such a riveting tale.

Fuck this movie. It's nothing more than a series of increasingly stupid scenes strung together with the flimsiest of plots imaginable. The characters are painfully moronic, the music choices boggle the mind, and you get every cliche, trope, and contrivance conceivable from an alien-themed movie. The only reason I didn't lower the rating further was due to the surprisingly good production value; truth be told, the cinematography was not bad at all. If you've ever wondered what the trauma of being abducted could possibly feel like, then sit back, get out the popcorn, and force yourself through this mess.

Notable Moment: This is tough because the stupidity is strong with this one. I guess I might as well go with the dumb anal probe scene since that's all anyone takes away from this piece of shit.

Final Rating: 3/10