The ABCs of Death 2 Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: An anthology of 26 stories, relating to death, corresponding to each letter of the alphabet.

Review: The general consensus seems to be that this film is significantly better than the first one, but I must humbly disagree. I admittedly went easy on the first film, due to its ambitious nature and attempt at innovation, however, the novelty is no longer there to impress me. While the overall production values appear to have gone up, the competency in storytelling has remained as terrible as the first film. In comparison, something like the "Tales of Terror" franchise is vastly superior to this when working with the same, self-contained, 5 minute shorts. The bare basics of presenting a coherent story are absent from, virtually, half the segments. Likewise, half the segments left me with a "whaaaat?" reaction, and I trust that was not their intention (though, it probably was). I'm sure there will be those that say, "You don't get it," but what's there to get? The directors might find this artsy to show random, nonsensical images and call it a story, but I find it lazy, pretentious, and a waste of potential. Clearly a bunch of the directors were flipping through a thesaurus trying to make their stories feel more meaningful than they actually were. Okay, I'm rattling on--and a little too angrily I might add--so let's get into these bad boys.

A is for Amateur: Thankfully this opening tale was respectable; obviously the most pressure is on A and Z, and both of those succeeded in a way to make the experience feel more pleasant. We are shown an assassin plotting to kill a target, and in his mind things go smoothly in a video game-esque way. When the time comes to actually execute the plan, the assassin runs into all sorts of problems and ends up getting stuck in a vent where he dies slowly. Weeks later, the vent is being cleaned at the behest of the target and the assassin's dead body flies out--somehow managing to fire a bullet from the grave that kills the target anyway. I didn't want things to start off humorous, but this tale did toy with your expectations commendably.

B is for Badger: This wasn't too bad of a followup to the first story as it's straightforward and what I'd expect from a short. A TV crew is trying to shoot a story about a nuclear reactor, and how it has hurt the local wildlife, but the host is acting like a prick. The crew hears a weird growling coming from a hole assumed to be a badger hole; when putting in the boom mic, it is attacked by the creature inside. The host comes back to do another take, and the crew tries to warn him that there's a badger still in the hole. Not caring what the crew has to say, the host goes about his usual way until he is attacked by the mutant badger and ripped in half. This was slightly amusing, had decent gore effects, and was an all around proper short demonstrating an asshole getting his comeuppance.

C is for Capitol Punishment: This was the first of the weaker entries, but it did make sense at least. Townspeople have captured a guy they think killed some girl and interrogate him. When he makes a false confession to get them to take him to the real authorities, they decide to execute him themselves. Of course the guy is actually innocent as others try to save him from getting beheaded. Since the rescuers crash along the way, the guy ends up being decapitated slowly by a guy who doesn't know what he's doing. And that's it. Eh, it's okay, but this probably served more as an effects reel than anything else.

D is for Deloused: This should have been "D is for drugs" as this is what you see when you have a bad LSD trip. I hardly know how to describe this nonsense as it's beyond the realm of normal human thought processes. Hey, I'll give it a little credit for that feat. In claymation, creatures kill one of their people. One of the executioners knocks off his own bolt for a nose that had a bug on it. He squashes the bug that transforms into a giant creature. This resurrects the executed guy who is told, by talking to the giant bug's asshole, that he must kill the others as payback. So he beheads the others and feeds their heads to the bug's ass which has a teddybear inside. Then the teddybear tries to eat the executed guy's head, but he is killed by the torsos of the people he beheaded. Then the bug disappears. Yeah...ummm...okaaaaay? In case you're wondering, "deloused" is the process of removing head lice.

E is for Equilibrium: Uhh...so where's Christian Bale? Two dudes are trapped on a deserted island when they find a beautiful girl washed ashore. The girl likes one of the guys and that hurts the relationship of the two guys. When the two are about to kill each other over the girl, they decide to kill the girl instead. The two men then go back to being best friends and enjoy the island. I read someone conclude this was like a long beer commercial, and that is probably the best way to sum it up.

F is for Falling: Again, this should have been "F is for Fail" as the message was just that. This was trying to make a political statement yet possessed a weird kind of humor. A female, Israeli soldier has her parachute stuck in a tree in Palestinian territory when a young guy finds her. The guy kind of wants to spare her, but doesn't trust her intentions. When he frees her, she breaks her leg and the guy ends up shooting himself. Then the girl just sits there when backup arrives. All right then.

G is for Grandad: This was more played for a gross factor than any kind of coherency. A guy is staying with his grandfather and clearly they hate each other. One night, the guy is talking shit when the grandfather complains from inside the bed. Apparently the grandfather has been sleeping inside the bed each night and is annoyed by the guy jacking off. The grandfather then kills the guy, because the grandfather has no dick, for whatever reason, and is jealous the guy could beat his meat. Oh good lord. I'm just so glad they zoomed in on grandpa's balls...

H is for Head Games: I can't even explain this shit. Two horribly animated faces are fighting each other...literally. Like, pieces of their faces are breaking off and attacking the other face. That's it. If they're not going to try, why should I?

I is for Invincible: Four people are waiting for their grandma to die, so they can take their inheritance, but nothing seems to kill her. She's burned, she's beheaded, etc., but nothing keeps her down probably due to this magic stone in her mouth. At the end, the stone is passed to one of the chicks and that's the end. Whatever, dude.

J is for Jesus: It's like they were mad they didn't get "P is for Pretentious" or something. Some guy is being exorcised by his father simply for being gay, and apparently they murdered the guy's lover. During the exorcism, the guy magically undergoes stigmata as they torture him profusely. At some point, the guy's undead lover appears, looking like zombie-Jesus, and kills the dad and his priest flunky. Then zombie-Jesus transfers his tattoo to the main guy. 'Kay. I did like the visceral nature of the cinematography though.

K is for Knell: This had a lot of potential, but they ended it far too short. A girl notices a strange, black orb floating high above the adjacent apartment complex. Once it disappears, the girl sees the residents all turn on each other and kill whoever was living with them. Then the girl hears a knock at her door and finds a black ooze coming through the cracks. For some reason she spontaneously starts bleeding and her blood mixes with the ooze. And that's it, baby. They could have done a lot more with this idea, but I will give more credit for the appealing aesthetics. Once more, if you're wondering, knell is in reference to the sound of a bell ringing when someone dies.

L is for Legacy: I honestly have no fucking clue what the hell is going on here. For like the third or fourth time already, some guy is getting executed to make room for a new king or whatever. They spare the guy, and, then, all of a sudden, there is a monster running around killing people by means of laughable effects. Is it, like, considered avant-garde or something not to utilize the basic "beginning-middle-end" concept of storytelling?

M is for Masticate: Going for the Will Ferrell brand of comedy, we see a hairy, flabby, asshole-looking zombie running around town while wearing piss-stained underwear and nothing else. This zombie ends up attacking a guy and chewing on his face before being shot in the head by a cop. Then we cut to earlier and the guy was simply doing "bath salts." Ehhh, the punchline was admittedly funny, so I will cut them some slack; but this wasn't original by any stretch of the imagination. And yet again, in case you're wondering, masticate is another word for chewing.

N is for Nexus: After showing titties for no discernible reason, we see that a couple, dressed as Frankenstein's monster and the bride, are getting ready for Halloween. They are meeting up wherever, but the guy is falling behind as he takes to his bike. This is overlapped with a cabdriver not paying attention to the road as he's trying to do a crossword puzzle where the answer is "nexus." Of course this leads to the two parties crossing paths as the guy is run over along with some kid. While the story is pointless and missed the opportunity to toy with expectations, I can't deny it was decent. I liked that it was Halloween, the joke about "be my valenstein," the fact that they incorporated their word into the story meaningfully, and the banter you hear from people in the background. These details go a long way for me.

O is for Ochlocracy (mob rule): I really liked this one for its cleverness. In a post-zombie apocalypse, the zombies have been restored to be normal again and are putting people on trial for their actions during the apocalypse. The zombies are bitter that they were carelessly shot in the head, many times, as they execute the kind of lone wolf survivors that typically make up zombie fiction. Again with the execution plot device...what the fuck? Anyway, the story is mostly straightforward with an over the top sense of humor. I liked that they presented a world where people managed to fix the zombies after all since that is always proposed yet never pans out in zombie media. More bizarre, this segment ends with the implication that the restored zombies have created zombies that want to eat other zombies.

P is for P-P-P-P Scary!: This is, by far, and unquestionably, the most idiotic segment between both films combined! P-P-P-P FUCK YOU! Even something as stupid as the "Head Games" portion at least knew to cut it short whereas this piece of shit is long. Wannabe, big-nosed, Three Stooges appear to have found themselves in the fucking "further" from "Insidious" as they come across a river dancing Mr. Rogers. These stuttering bastards then get liquified as Mr. Rogers keeps blowing out their lantern; keep in mind they pretentiously put this in black and white (and I need to stop saying pretentious, but they keep forcing me!). When the last moron is about to die, Mr. Rogers holds up a baby that looks like him and blows out the lantern once more. Grrrrrr...can't...control...urge to kill.

Q is for Questionnaire: A random guy decides to take a free intelligence test setup like Lucy from Peanuts or something. As the guy proves himself time and time again, we cut back and forth to shots of the guy having his brain cut out of his skull. Eventually he gets a perfect score and is asked to come with Lucy to hear about job opportunities; at the same time, we see that he's a part of an experiment to transplant his brain into an ape. While this was pretty stupid with a cheap, store-bought mask for the ape, I can't deny the questions being asked were fun to think about...so there's that.

R is for Roulette: Two guys and a girl are down in a basement playing Russian roulette...sounds like the setup to a joke, huh? They're dressed like it's the '40s or something, but I don't know if we are intended to infer more from that or not. As they take their turns, it comes down to the last guy stuck with the final pull that obviously has the bullet in the chamber. Instead, he shoots the girl in the head but in a way as if this is sparing her. We then hear ruckus upstairs as the two men are now worried "they" heard the gunshot. I suppose we could assume a great number of things were waiting upstairs for them. Not too bad when all things are considered.

S is for Split: I think this is arguably the best segment since it had a cool twist and was really fucked up as well. It kind of feels like "Taken" at first as a husband, away on business, and the wife, home alone, are talking on the phone when someone breaks in. After much chase, the wife is beaten to death with a hammer and then you hear a baby crying. The person that broke in then kills the baby cruelly. The killer picks up the phone, takes off the mask, and it is revealed to be a woman. The killer then says she wants the guy to put her husband on. It would seem that the "away on business" idea was a ruse as the two husbands were cheating on their wives with one another. The serious and dark tone leaves a lasting impression for sure, and this little tale put most of these entries to complete shame.

T is for Torture Porn: This was wasted potential like no one's business. A girl, seemingly being taken advantage of for an acting job or something, reveals she is some kind of monster. Before you can even figure out what the fuck is going on the girl has a bunch of tentacle dicks raping all the dudes. Or, at least, that's what I think happened as it was impossible to see through all the seizure-inducing, flashing lights. I'm sure this was supposed to be making a statement in someone's mind--somewhere--but I think they could have done a lot more with this setup. The girl's eyes were cool though.

U is for Utopia: I guess this was intended to be "Gattaca 2: The Later Years" as we see a world populated by, alleged, beautiful people. When a flabby and balding dude appears, he is immediately dispatched of by a little cremation machine. Would he really have made it that far in life though? If more went on in this tale, I'd be more inclined to like it, but it felt shallow and empty. Props though to the disproportionate amount of Asian babes in this future.

V is for Vacation: Two "bros" are vacationing in...uhh, Cambodia maybe...as one guy is trying to video chat with his girlfriend or wife or whatever. The guy's friend steals the phone and reveals they've been doing drugs and fucking prostitutes. Gee, what did you think was going to happen, hun? The bros were either going to go brokeback on your ass or this--come on. Through zany antics, the guy punches one of the prostitutes--leading to the other prostitute stabbing the guy's friend with a screwdriver. Then this leads to the main guy falling off a balcony. I suppose they were trying to create a disturbing sense of realism, but they missed the mark. I'm sure people will love the lingering shot of that one chick's cooch though.

W is for Wish: This was the closest call for best entry besides "Split." Two kids are basically living out a parody for a "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" toy commercial when they are sucked into the actual fictional world. Those who grew up, or are at least familiar, with He-Man, should find this amusing as hell. The kids see all manner of fucked up shit as they realize things are not all it's cracked up to be in toy form. In the end, one of the kids gets killed and the other one is captured by the He-Man equivalent to get molested or something. The acting from the kids was great, and they offered up subtle tricks that work wonders. I just have to hand it to the production value for a short that probably only had a couple thousand dollars to work with. Astounding.

X is for Xylophone: A creepy-looking babysitter is watching a little girl who is playing with, you guessed it, a xylophone. I guess the babysitter became annoyed or jealous or whatever and kills the little girl. The parents come home and find the babysitter who is trying to look like the little girl and is using the girl's bones as a makeshift xylophone. Uh huh. I don't get the gothic look to the setting when it made little sense in the context. Plus, wasn't Disney, of all people, the first to have a xylophone made of bones? Whatever, dude.

Y is for Youth: A bitter schoolgirl is writing in her text diary, I guess, using graphic imagery to describe the misdeeds of her parents. Corresponding to this narration, we see her visions coming to life in a surprisingly creative way. I mean, let's face it, how often do you see a giant cheeseburger try to eat someone and a vacuum cleaner made of fries? In the end, we can assess that the girl has been cutting herself to cope with these problems, but now she decides to stand up for herself and say no more. While the themes are tired, I can't help but appreciate the visuals. Once more, this was a properly self-contained entry that still had something interesting to offer.

Z is for Zygote: Okay, finally, we are at the end of the line. As I've already mentioned, this last segment was pretty good which helped ease the overall experience. The best way I could describe this entry would be as a modern-day, creepy fairytale. A man goes off into the harsh wilderness as he leaves his pregnant wife behind. Before he leaves, he gives her some roots or something to eat that will magically slow down the birth. We then skip to 13 years later and the woman still hasn't given birth. The child has grown into a talking teenager within the womb, and the two are still waiting for the father to return before giving birth. One day, the roots run out and the mother resists giving birth, but the child wants to come out and takes over the mother's body. This is a well shot scene as the internal organs are thrown out of the mother's mouth as the child fills herself (?) within the mother's skin. Once the child has fully become one with the mother's body, and cut away the excess flesh, the dumbass father finally comes home as if it's only been a day or two. The child/mother tells the father that she had to cut the kid out, and the father just says they'll make another as the two are about to bang. Well, okay, maybe it's a really, really fucked up fairytale, but it had a certain whimsical aspect to it. This was also another contender for best segment, but I think "Split" is more memorable.

If you managed to sit through the nearly 25 minutes of credits, there is a scene after the credits showing a guy jacking off to the "Torture Porn" segment. Hmm, interesting. In the end, I just couldn't see this to be as good as part one; and I'm not even necessarily saying one was good...merely that it was original. I think the deciding factor of why this felt worse to me was because I could not picture any of these segments as full-length features whereas part one had a couple of amazing stories worthy of expansion. I still appreciate the effort that went into assembling this movie, but this isn't going to go over well with casual viewers and the pretentiousness is pushing it for horror fans. I get that they want the directors to have creative freedom, but there should be more of a focus than simply "make it about death;" you know, like presenting a proper narrative structure. Well regardless of my opinions, if enough people are enjoying this one, we will probably get a third entry that I'll check out.

Notable Moment: A toss up between the man-eating cheeseburger in "Youth" and the the off-the-cuff reaction from one of the kids in "Wish."

Final Rating: 5.5/10