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Tuesday, February 24, 2015

See No Evil (2006) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: Little bitches attempt to clean up an old hotel as an equally dumb killer tries to pick them off.

Review: If you know how my reviews work you will probably already guess where we're heading with this. "See No Evil 2" just came out recently with my darling little Danielle Harris in it...so this is simply a stepping stone to that review! I really didn't want to watch this movie ever again because it's simply too stupid. I could forgive most of the cornball aspects to the plot, but the thing that drives me crazy is the abundance of annoying and cliched characters. Worst of all, this film dares to have the audacity to NOT kill off the most annoying bitch! That is some next level Jar Jar shit right there. Weesa gonna die! They even have a fake out death for this kid too. Come on now, son. The other serious deal-breaker is the absolute lameness of the killer I'm just going to call Kane. His motive is stupid and his durability is questionable to say the least.

As the film starts, Kane has already been hard at work killing random girls and ripping out their eyes for whatever reason. We are introduced to some cop who shoots Kane in the head but the cop's hand is cut off for no relevant reason except to get a gore effect in before the opening credits. We cut to 4 years later and now the cop works at a juvenile correctional facility or whatever. This is where we come across our cast of annoying bitches who I'd love to slice and dice myself. Yes, because audiences just love punk, teen criminals! I have no idea what's happening since they claim they will let these criminals work on a hotel project to reduce their sentences. Yeah...that's not going to happen and especially would not include girls and guys working together. Besides this, why is everyone still acting like a clueless asshole? They must have realized they were signing up for this, and you would think this deal would be offered to criminals that would be grateful, remorseful, or had been subjected to some kind of mitigating circumstances--not just random fuckers.

The hotel that they go to is admittedly kind of cool. In fact, the concept behind the hotel should have been dedicated to a better movie--what with the hidden rooms, bells for fucking, two way mirrors, and the perverse owner. The subtlety to the hotel is beyond the writing to the actual plot so it's a huge waste that it was merely a setting to by-the-book slasher tropes. Anyway, Kane has apparently taken up residence here and starts to kill the stupid teens as they are trying to engage in hijinks. The cop, Frank, who is established as the main and only likable character, is idiotically killed off in favor of focusing on the most annoying assholes like Michael. Yes, please, give me more of this kid...all movie...and never, ever kill him.

It shouldn't take long to grow tired of Kane ripping out everyone's eyes especially as the only hint of a motivation is something about his mom telling him to "see the sin" in flashbacks. Actually, Kane's motive is essentially a cookie cutter example of being turned into a killer...but I guess it was awfully convenient he would grow to be a damn hulk. With everyone dead but the biggest idiots, it is revealed that everything has been the "master plan" of Kane's mom. It would appear they wanted to lure Frank out to be killed as revenge for shooting Kane in the head and everyone else is collateral damage. How Kane magically survived this head shot, I don't know, and they show that he has maggots inside the wound so uhhhh. And how did the mom orchestrate this shit anyway? If she was some upstanding citizen, how did no one notice her antics with raising Kane? Whatever. So Kane decides he's had enough of mommy and kills her before Kane himself is finally dispatched pathetically. The film spends a lot of time showcasing the brutal death of Kane which is amusing that he'd be alive and well in the sequel.

Ugh, this was painful. It's one thing to make a mediocre slasher film, but it's another thing to make one with such insufferable characters who are not mercifully killed off. Kane is a meathead killer that offers nothing we haven't seen thousands of times at this point. The hotel was wasted and the mom was a pointless revelation that is less of a shock and more of a shrug. They killed off the best character in an attempt at originality, but it served to further frustrate me with a continual presentation of mindless decisions. The whole gimmick with ripping out the eyes is the only thing memorable and that gets old really fucking quick. I hate this film for being blatantly shallow and brainless in nearly every facet. If it weren't for the decent production values, moderate gore, and cool setting, I'd rate this a lot lower. I mean, come on, Kane didn't even chokeslam anyone or do the damn tombstone!

Notable Moment: When they moronically kill off Frank. I can respect a movie trying to throw the audience for a loop, but with this many annoying idiots you cannot carelessly get rid of the only likable character.

Final Rating: 4/10

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