Valentine's Day (2010) Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: The intertwined adventures of love and loss on a Valentine's Day in Los Angeles

Review: Well, it's Valentine's Day and what better way to celebrate than with a movie called...uhh..."Valentine's Day." I still remember being dragged to see this in the theaters. Ugh. What can I say? This movie has it all--and by all, I mean all that I hate. Seriously, why is the running time over 2 hours?! Few movies have made me clench the arms of my chair with such uncontrollable, homicidal rage as much as this one. It's like they wanted to perfectly capture everything wrong with society while presenting it as a good thing. You want subtlety to your romance? Sorry. You want substance, likable characters, non-glamorization of materialism, or any sensible representation of reality? Good luck with that. In fact, the subplots are so stupid and hollow I am left wondering if this wasn't unintended parody.

So what do you get with this movie? Pain in the ass kids, braindead teenagers, mindless corporate slaves, cheaters, all around shallow assholes, and Julia Roberts. I HATE Julia Roberts! Okay, that last part was a joke (not really). I can't believe they chose to set this movie in Los Angeles. That's ground zero for the highest concentration of fake fucks on the planet. Big shock, the men in this movie are--and I don't use this insult lightly--complete pussies. Ashton Kutcher's character is the absolute biggest bitch! Oh yeah, "If you're ever with a girl too good for you marry her?" I've got a more accurate one: if you're ever with a girl you think is too good for you, she'll walk all over your candy ass--which is exactly what happens. Jamie Foxx's character was almost a normal guy but then he falls for a complete mess (albeit, Jessica Biel's sweet, sweet ass) who admits she's neurotic and is having a breakdown over other people not sharing her misery? Uhhh...pass. Actually the biggest pussy is the old guy who finds out his wife of 50+ years cheated on him, and he forgives her; the old lady even says "you're going to forgive me." Fuck...it would be my bloody valentine at my house if I were that old man! The only guys that aren't complete idiots are the two gay guys which was a nice little twist.

The women fair better in the film. Yeah, I'm so fucking surprised. Oh yes, because guys always screw over such amazing women with their little quirks that make them just so adorable and lovable, right? Please. The only remotely "bad" female is the Jessica Alba character, and, even then, they try and paint her in a positive light when she dicks over her little bitch, Ashton Kutcher. Come on, you're not going to include even one spoiled brat princess? Did they keep forgetting this is Los Angeles? Gotta love that bias, baby. And before I hear whining about being bitter or whatever, I have nothing against love, romance, etc. But let's be real here, V-day is not about any of those things and we all know it. This film sorta gets it--in a fucked up kind of way--when they have a line about "love doesn't exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people." This is spoken as if it's sound advice! Really? Love is meaningless unless I let my chickadee show off to her office pals? This isn't what real love is supposed to be, people, and I fear for a world that normalizes the behaviors of these characters as something to aspire toward. This is such a stark contrast to my opinion of "You've Got Mail." And as such, this movie was in desperate need of their own Rooftop Killer.

Okay, I'm going off the damn rails here. To the film's credit, I did like the intertwining aspect to the story. The characters' connections to one another were well coordinated with a few surprises. A few jokes were legitimately funny like when Jennifer Garner's character is staring off into space and her student says, "HELLO?!" There were a ton of celebrities here, so, if that's your thing, that should be a huge draw. Other than that, there's not a lot going in this film's favor as it's unbelievable in every regard. I obviously can't recommend this movie. I'm giving it a mediocre rating for technical reasons only, but the story alone I'd rank at 3/10. Finally, I will acknowledge the possibility others will find entertainment from this trash, but, alas, I cannot. There are far, far better options out there to watch this V-day. I mean, you could go see 50 shades and blow your brains out.

Notable Moment: That airport scene. Argh. Yeah, because the TSA is going to humor a guy on V-day and not arrest and/or shoot him.

Final Rating: 5/10

Bonus: V-day has gotten out of hand as far as pointless expectations go. And let's be real here, this is a blatantly narcissistic holiday no reasonable person should support. This is where I think Japan has an edge despite their own relationship issues. They have two "love" holidays: Valentine's Day and White Day. V-day comes first and it's only for women to give to guys. This means ladies have to make the first move and show actual initiative and face rejection (and these princesses are in dire need of humble pie). As repayment for the gifts on V-day, when White Day comes, the guys are supposed to reciprocate three fold. I think this offers a more balanced approach and alleviates a big chunk of the pressure. Yeaaahh, that's not going to happen in the West any time soon.