Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: Beneath the ancient sands of Egypt lurks...a terrible movie.
Review: Cliched, boring, and stupid are just a few, choice words that come to mind after watching this piece of shit. This trash doesn't know if it's found-footage or fake documentary or a regular film; make up your mind, son. It also doesn't know if it wants to be a horror, sci-fi, fantasy, or a damned kids movie, but does opt to be as mediocre and predictable as possible. Ugh...I was struggling to keep my eyes open by the end, and this wasn't that long (thankfully). And that ending...my goodness. Stop greenlighting these terrible movies, please!
The story is by the books pure idiocy. You have a father/daughter archeology duo uncovering a new and bizarre pyramid while being filmed by a reporter or whatever. For the love of fuck, this isn't "Tomb Raider." Blah blah blah, the Egyptian government is like, "Get the fuck out," and of course they have to go into the pyramid beforehand. For whatever reason, the pyramid is infested with cat creatures and the literal Anubis, the god. Yes, commence eye rolling. I like how they claim the cats are living off cannibalism. How?! Cats don't breed like insects, there's no water, and each generation would have a diminishing return especially with Anubis killing them...not flourishing for thousands of years! Next up, Anubis is depicted with horrendous CGI, and he makes no sense whatsoever. So...he's seemingly immortal yet can be hurt and has to eat? Don't even get me started on the movie's implication that he's a fucking alien! They loosely explain something about Anubis wanting to go to the afterlife with Osiris, but I don't know what bullshit they were trying to claim; supposedly he eats hearts hoping to find one of purity. Oh yeah, don't forget the Masons discovered this pyramid too for the lulz. Everyone dies in increasingly moronic ways until only the daughter is left alive. When Anubis is about to kill her, the little kitties come to her rescue in the most laughable way possible. Is this a Disney movie? The daughter finds a magic exit where she is clinging to life; she's poisoned by a toxic fume or whatever. A random boy appears out of nowhere and tries to steal the dying daughter's camera when Anubis grabs him. The end...
What can I say, this movie sucks. From the onset, as the cliches come hard and you take in that embarrassing acting, you know you've made a mistake. There are no twists or turns as this film plays it by the numbers and never deviates. The worst offense was failing to create a mildly entertaining presentation when you're dealing with the vast array of Egyptian lore at your fingertips. The ending is abrupt and idiotic--it would have been more humorous if aliens really did show up. Other than a few decent set designs, an okay story concept in theory, and somewhat making use of Egyptian mythology, this film has little to offer. There's a good reason why no one knows this movie even exists.
Notable Moment: That painfully moronic ending. Shudder.
Final Rating: 4/10
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