Assault Girls Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: How in hell was this written by the same guy who did "Ghost in the Shell?!"

Review: Oh dear lord. I had intended to get around to this movie months ago, but I should have left well enough alone. This was unendurable garbage from start to finish. It's like a 10 year old scribbled down a story on a napkin at lunch and then somehow convinced a pretentious art-house company to produce it. This is the kind of instance where I don't know if I can fully accept this as a movie in general; similar to "Jaws in Japan" feeling like someone's vacation footage. On the plus side, however, the girls are kind of cute, and you could easily kill yourself with a few drinking games if so inclined. I don't know, I'm just really struggling to figure what the hell this is supposed to be. Is it possible that someone's brain, while high on peyote in a desert, was projected onto film?

How to explain this shit to someone--hmm. Well, for starters, forget whatever bullshit is on wikipedia (and probably the cover of the DVD). The movie opens with a pretentious, yet nonsensical, explanation of the state of the world that lasts for a good 7+ minutes. Will any of that mindless blabbering have a bearing on the story? Of course not! Apparently people live inside a video game world or something--which has been done before--but where the hell is anybody? The whole point of the film is that the main characters can't get to the next level of the game by themselves and must come to terms with teaming up in the most emo of ways. To put things into perspective, picture yourself being told you will get through Mario 3 faster by using the flutes and you mope around like a crybaby bitch for a couple days because of this. My goodness, who fucking cares if you're sad because you can't lone-wolf-it in a video game. I know during that nonsensical blabbering they mention how trivialities of a virtual world could be taken seriously, but it's not like this movie is remotely attempting to be social commentary.

The main characters are played by some dude I've never seen before, the horny Sadako from "Rasen," Rinko Kikuchi, and Meisa Kuroki from "One Missed Call: Final." For whatever reason, they thought it would be a good idea that the characters speak their lines in Engrish and while wearing masks to boot. Pshhh, my fucking god...good luck trying to understand anything. I can easily overlook Engrish, but, when you couple this with the pretentious nature of the film, you want to roundhouse kick someone in the face. I'm not going to cover the inconsistencies and lack of details regarding this virtual world since it doesn't matter. Needless to say, the characters do team up to get through this level, but they turn on each other as the movie ends abruptly and pointlessly. What would have made for an amusing twist is if we learned the reason why these idiots were all alone was because this was still the starting level of the game.

As for the drinking games you can play, you need to keep in mind these are meant to be played separate rather than concurrently or else you will probably be comatose within minutes. The best game is taking a shot every time there is a camera angle right behind Ms. Kuroki's sweet, sweet ass. If they wanted to screw with the audience, they could have revealed that the girls were actually avatars of male players. Next, take a shot every time you see Ms. Kikuchi dancing. They probably said, "Okay, Rinko, act natural" and this is what came out of it. She probably was already wearing her "costume" when she arrived on set too. If you want to die faster, be sure to take a shot every time a line of dialogue is repeated...though there is one particular scene that may kill you within a few seconds. Finally, if you want to drag out a slow, yet guaranteed, death, take a shot every time there is a transition showing the sky. That's a shitload of drinking.

You'd think by the look and tone of the film this would have been a "The Machine Girl" type of flick, but you'd be very wrong. Your guess is as good as mine as to what this movie is actually supposed to be. It's too unbelievably stupid for any rational person to try and interpret, but it's full of so much pretense that they clearly wanted viewers to think about the material. You can't understand the majority of the dialogue--not that it matters--and virtually nothing happens in the story. The script had to be, maybe, a couple pages long at best. The effects are also abysmal with little to no explanation for why certain aspects are happening. Sure, you have some cute girls (mostly points for Ms. Kuroki), but that keeps my attention for fleeting moments. Do not waste your time on this film unless your idea of a good film is spliced together shots of shit CGI, floating orbs with English accents, clouds, snails, and Rinko Kikuchi dancing with her own theme music.

Notable Moment: I don't know, pick any moment when we see Ms. Kuroki's slappable ass.

Final Rating: 3/10