Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!
Plot Summary: The leader of a satanic cult attempts to induct his grandson into the fold on Halloween night as antics ensue.
Review: This movie has like a million alternate titles, but I decided to go with the coolest sounding one; it has that perfect, cornball ring to it, don't you think? Sadly, the film does not even come close to living up to that title. It's weird too, because the story comes out swinging, falters, and then limps its way to a predictably lame finale that leaves a shit ton of loose ends. Confounding the situation is the ridiculous, and unforgivable, abundance of filler. We're talking, at best, maybe 40 minutes of material in a 90 minute movie; storyboards, people...storyboard that shit ahead of time. There is an attempt to pander with a surprisingly large amount of nudity, but, once again, I'd rather these chickadees remained clothed. Finally, the body-count is far too low for an '80s slasher.
The story starts off going balls to walls as we learn a child molester-ish grandfather has a disturbing interest in his oldest grandson. Oddly enough, everyone seems to know the grandfather is the leader of a satanic cult yet no one cares or is shocked; it's just this casual thing. We quickly discover the grandfather is grooming the grandson to become a member of the cult when he's older. Why this particular favoritism--is he the next Damien? You'll love this--apparently, on the mother's wedding day, she was raped by the grandfather and the grandson is actually the grandfather's son! So your dad is an incestuous rapist satanist (say that 3 times fast!) trying to brainwash your son and everything's cool? Oh, and the grandfather killed the husband for talking smack one Halloween night as a sacrifice or something. Sigh...only in the '80s.
Okay, well with that kind of a setup, surely this movie is going to be epic, right? I wish. From here on out it's filler and lame drama out the ass. The story jumps to when the grandkids are older and now that one grandson is bordering on evil--well, evil by '80s standards. I like how nobody realizes the grandfather killed their dad, and the grandfather is hanging out with them in that creepy, molester way still. We get way too much drama with the grandkids and their love interests who are all killed off feebly; by the way, these are the only people who are killed. The movie introduces a masked killer that it wants you to believe is the grandson preparing to join the cult, but it's beyond obvious it's not him. We then come to the vast majority of the filler which includes, but not limited to, these wondrous moments: pointless rocker dream, some chick getting her ass branded, fucking on the cold ground in a graveyard while on police duty, constant cuts back to a party with characters no one cares about, endlessly lingering scenes, unnecessary attempts at character development, and the notable moment--a truly torturous scene to behold. One part I really liked was when the granddaughter finds her boyfriend murdered in a graveyard, is almost killed herself, and then simply brushes all this off by going to a party. I'm glad she's taking things so well. The Halloween aspect is definitely lacking as well, but I guess I shouldn't expect much. Eventually, the grandson rejects the dumbass cult which pisses off grandpa who ends up dying in a duel with the real killer. Before grandpa dies, he magically turns another grandson evil or something...I really don't know. What I do know, however, is that the revelation that the killer is the mom is not much of a twist. But mom, why would you kill your kid's love interests? Whatever, hun. The film then ends with the second grandson now taking over the cult. Ehhh, maybe he's possessed by the grandfather; I don't really care.
Typically I'm a fan of this kind of shit, but they dropped the ball big time. Things started off well enough, and the potential was right there, but the film somehow transitioned into somebody's home video by the end. The acting, direction, and story were horrendous. The music, while acceptable, was horribly timed and way too loud. The kills were uninspired, cheap, and too spread out considering this is a film called "Hack-O-Lantern." The mom as the killer is predictable as fuck and retarded if you think about it; I know I didn't describe it that way, but, believe me, if you saw the movie it's obvious especially when they show the whereabouts of the likely suspects just as someone is dying. I think this might be the worst Halloween horror movie I've covered to date, and that's certainly saying something. I did like the shitacular VHS quality though...so there's that.
Notable Moment: When we suddenly cut to a random striptease followed by an equally random, and painfully TERRIBLE, standup routine. Uhh, what the hell was that?! The jokes are so embarrassingly bad it made me wince a little.
Final Rating: 3.5/10
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