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Friday, January 9, 2015

Talk to the Dead (Japanese 2013) Review


Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A girl uses a mysterious phone app to make contact with her dead brother.

Review: This year is not off to a good start with a mess like this. This is easily one of the most genre-confused movies I've watched to date. It's as if they keep forgetting this was marketed as a horror movie and insist on fighting against the scares in order to establish this as a lame drama. I mean, I'm tired of the J-horror cliches as much as the next fan, but I'd rather watch another Kayako clone than this kind of half-assing. Beyond not knowing what to do with the material, the film fails to tell a compelling story anyway. All that work to attempt a supernatural drama and you give us a horrible story and an entire subplot that never interacts with the primary story! Really?! My goodness...

The story revolves around a girl named Yuri who is some kind of prostitute. I really don't know what she is since, at one point, one of her "clients" is offering her money for "real" sex. I get this is Japan--and anything someone can think up probably happens--but nobody is going to pay these busted chicks just to strip and stand there or whatever. Besides, Yuri does eventually screw people so this is a moot point really--simply a nonsensical plot aspect to include. Moving along...Yuri feels guilty that the first time she fucked a client was when she was supposed to be watching her brother who somehow ended up dead. You'd think this mysterious death would somehow contribute to the story or come back as a revelation, but, alas, it is never explained. I guess he just keeled over dead--probably from watching this very movie. We could assume that Yuri's psycho mom was involved somehow, but they do not explore that angle at all. Speaking of the mom...there's something about Yuri being a prostitute to help pay off the mom's debts or something. I don't fucking know.

Eventually, Yuri's pathetic friend gives her the "talk to the dead" app, for her phone, that can magically allow an individual to have conversations with spirits. Of course Yuri contacts her brother, named Satoshi, but Yuri is hesitant as it easily seems like a hoax. Encouraged by that friend, Yuri tries to make more calls to Satoshi with the clarity of the calls growing with each attempt and Satoshi proving he's the real deal. While all of this is going on, we get a continual tangent plotline that serves no purpose nor intersects with the main plot! Apparently a reporter is seeking out the app in order to talk to her dead boyfriend or whatever. Eventually she finds out her boyfriend died because he was drunk driving after discovering she cheated on him. Then the reporter whines to the guy she cheated with as if she has no part in the situation. And that's it. Wow, so glad we got that huge ass filler to an already short movie.

An aspect I have neglected to mention thus far is that when talking to the ghosts, if you agree to meet with them, you will die. Yuri's dumb friend decides to kill herself after their, uhh, pimp(?), appears to ask her out but is not really interested. You see why I called her pathetic? Talk about fragile as fuck. Then Yuri decides to get herself killed by meeting with Satoshi's ghost on his birthday. Oh goodness gracious. As her final move, and with help from the pimp-guy, Yuri arranges for the psycho mom to get a phone with the app installed so that the mom will be tricked into getting killed by Yuri's ghost. Sure enough, the mom is killed in a ridiculous manner. Then, out of nowhere, the pimp wants to get killed by Yuri since he's in love with her and wants to be with her. Yuri's ghost says live, you little bitch, and that's the end. Rika, baby, what kind of shit ending is that?

I actually thought the premise held endless potential so how do you screw it up this badly? Besides being a drama with only the faintest horror elements, the drama itself is boring and lame. Really, fake prostitutes, that's the best you got? And, seriously, what was the point of the reporter? We didn't need to know her stupid story, and it didn't even have resolution! At no point did anyone wonder where this app came from or how it works; the characters accept everything at face value. While this plot isn't exactly original, they could have worked the story into a cliched J-horror and it still would have been infinitely better. Fuck...if you want to waste your time with this mess, be my guest; it's on youtube right now.

Notable Moment: When Yuri finds Satoshi dead in the bath. He looked kind of scary--too bad the ghost version didn't.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

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