Valentine Review

Disclaimer: Contains spoilers!

Plot Summary: A boy is beaten and humiliated at a Valentine's Day dance only to seek murderous revenge years later.

Review: Well it's February, and I suppose I may as well review some Valentine's Day themed movies...maybe even a chick flick to spice things up. I remember when I was in high school and REALLY wanting to see this movie as an excuse to ask out this girl I liked. Although I never did go out with that girl (tear), it's probably for the best since she would have wanted to kill me herself for dragging her to this mess. This is that kind of slasher where you find yourself imagining you're the killer and how wonderful it would be to kill these idiots yourself. What, I'm the only one who gets that feeling? There are too many stupid moments to believe, and there's a reason why this film has already faded into obscurity. The strange thing, though, is that the idiocy starts to cross into so-bad-it's-good territory, and, coupled with a genuine throwback feel to '80s slashers, you kind of get a mildly entertaining experience like it's '85 all over again. Marty would be proud.

The movie starts off in 1988 when the main characters were teens at some pathetic Valentine's Day dance that only plays sinister music, because they probably suspect hijinks will lead to a masked killer's creation. The said killer, Jeremy Melton, asks all the bitches to dance who promptly reject him except Kate, who brushes him off nicely, and Dorothy who, being the so-called "fat one," agrees to dance which apparently in 1988 was code for making out under the bleachers. Some punkasses see Jeremy and Dorothy and confront the two, but Dorothy says she was being attacked so the punks, for some reason, strip Jeremy's clothes off and then proceed to beat him up. Uh huh. Later, through exposition, we learn Jeremy had been sent to some institute or wherever the hell movie killers end up at. Wait, what? He was beaten up by a bunch of kids and he ends up in trouble? The movie even implies he had a mugshot from that day. So he was arrested too?! Oh movie, you're tooooooo fucking funny!

I don't know why, but the killer focuses on the bitches that rejected him rather than the punks that beat him up, and, big shock, the bitches all grew up into even bigger bitches! In fact, all the characters in this movie are so annoying and/or stupid with the absolute worst red herrings. To the movie's credit though, it does feel like poetic justice, because these are supposed to be hot chicks with good careers and yet they are hopelessly single due to their stupidity and bitchy behavior. The first person to die is rightfully Katherine Heigl, because she's clearly an idiot yet is supposed to be in med school and the killer just didn't trust the idea of her becoming someone's doctor; he probably saved hundreds of lives in the long term--some might even say he's a hero. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the killer is apparently a stereotypical anime pervert, but, instead of his nose bleeding on cue when he looks up some chick's skirt, it's whenever he kills someone. The rest of the movie mostly shows us how dumb the girls are while simultaneously showing off the douchebag guys in their lives except for Kate's on and off again boyfriend, Adam; there is an abundance of red herrings, but it should be pretty damn obvious who the killer is since the movie keeps killing off the red herrings before the bitches. I did like that the killer taunts the bitches with amusing Valentine cards, but you hardly get the impression that it's Valentine's Day in the film.

For some reason Dorothy decides to throw a party even though her friends are being murdered; hmm, sounds reasonable to me. Eventually all the bitches end up dead until only Dorothy and Kate are left as all the remaining red herrings conveniently show up at the party. Kate and Adam get into a retarded fight just as Dorothy tries to create a new Academy Award category for dumbest, most annoying, character in a supporting role. The random partygoers clear out like roaches running from light the literal moment the music stops playing so that the killer can make his final move. Kate thinks Adam is really Jeremy Melton and fights him a bit until the killer seemingly falls on top of her only to be shot by Adam. Underneath the killer's mask is none other than Dorothy! But wait, that makes no fucking sense. Oh, okay, skip to a few minutes later and we see a happy Adam embracing Kate with a bloody nose.

So yes, Adam was really the killer all along as anyone would obviously suspect. Now he can live happily ever after with Kate except for the fact that his DNA is at every crime scene. You know what, how the hell did the police not know he was the killer? They should have been able to track down Adam's background yet they claim they can't due to contrivances, his DNA is at every crime scene and they would have tested it against Adam when they interrogated him, and how did Adam have a fake life offscreen that Kate claims exists which is why she "knows" he can't be Jeremy Melton? Dorothy's stepmom should have been the killer or someone else we wouldn't have seen coming a mile away. There were so many pointless red herrings that one of them should have been the killer and add some crazy twist as to their motive. Here's an idea: the movie already established a shot of a random kid at the 1988 dance wearing the killer's mask so that could have been anyone. Why not say this masked individual was Jeremy's brother, or better yet, sister, that blamed the girls for their part in Jeremy's beating and make the killer reveal that Jeremy killed himself recently which is why he/she chose this time, of all years, to finally seek revenge. Hell, say the sister was adopted and since Dorothy's stepmom was as young as Dorothy, it could even fit the plot. But nope, play it safe with the most obvious and only likely character as the killer, that works too I suppose.

I know this movie probably sounds more moronic than so bad it's good, but you kind of have to experience the increasing levels of stupidity to fully appreciate how humorous it can become. Like the fact that the killer seems to be everywhere and always knows when someone wanders off and the killer appears to be able to teleport for good measure. Or like how Dorothy is saying she "knows when she's being dumped" then moments later saying "he loves me" and then even later saying how Kate is jealous of her; I found myself laughing more than I would with most comedies. Somehow the off the charts brain dead characters, corny dialogue, lame choices, and all around idiocy brings it together for an enjoyable experience...it's hard to explain. I was going to give this movie a much lower rating, but I was laughing too hard for that. I'm not going to say this movie is worth checking out, but if you're into this kind of slasher material, you may find this one amusing enough to warrant a view. Just be sure to sharpen your knife ahead of time as you should find yourself homicidal long before the credits roll.

Notable Moment: When Kate is running through the house and stumbles upon one body after another. Wasn't there supposed to be a party going on here? How the hell did no one else find these bodies?! Oh movie, you got me again!

Final Rating: 5/10